I held my breath, watching my youngest play as a toddler. “Dear Lord, not again,” I silently begged Him. My heart ached at the thought, and I questioned where I had gone wrong.
But I knew deep down that another one of my children was showing the classic characteristics of Autism. It was evident throughout my pregnancy that the Lord had His hand on this child of mine from the beginning. His due date was the feast day of the same saint answering my prayers. His father and I chose his name weeks before he was born. I was unexpectedly urgently induced, and he was born on the Feast of our Lady of the Rosary. Our Lady had given the Rosary to the saint whose name we had chosen for our son.
Six and a half years later, my beautiful son, diagnosed with Autism and global developmental delays, reaches up and touches my face. “Are you okay, mum? You need a hug.” I was experiencing many trials and couldn’t hold back the tears. His hand was soft against my cheek, and his beautiful brown eyes looked closely at my face, searching for the answer. His face was full of compassion and empathy. I realized my son was copying my actions when I reached out to comfort him and wipe away his tears.
By modeling the behaviors for him and showing him love and compassion, my son showed me the same love and compassion despite his diagnosis.
At moments like these, I am reminded how blessed I am to see the world through the eyes of Autism. Each time one of my children was diagnosed with Autism, it felt like such a heavy cross, and I wondered where I was going to find the strength. My heart broke as I knew the struggles my child would endure at such an early age. But the blessings became apparent as we began walking on this journey together.
As the world placed my child in a box with a label, I began to realize that to put an identity of Autism on my child was a disservice to their God-given dignity and harmful to their personal growth and relationship with God.
My son’s identity isn’t found in his diagnosis of Autism. My son is uniquely and unrepeatably made with love and dignity. His dignity is upheld in his identity as a beloved son of God. My son is perfectly and wonderfully made in the image of God.
At times, I question God and ask, “Why?” Not just once, but why multiple children with diagnoses? But then, I am forced to examine myself and what Jesus wants me to see. What is this invitation that He is extending to me? What areas need healing so that I can have a more intimate relationship with Jesus?
Through this journey of Autism, I am learning the importance of facing suffering head-on, stepping out of myself and giving all I have for another person, and then digging deeper within my heart when I think I have nothing else to offer.
The enemy would like us to believe that Autism is a curse, a punishment, and that I have failed as a mother. I believe Autism is an invitation from the Lord—an invitation and opportunity for healing, trust, surrender, and hope.
Through my healing journey, I am learning to meet each difficulty with love and to be the light my children need me to be—a place of safety and comfort, where their dignity is upheld. By working on my relationship with Jesus and receiving His love and His incredible mercy for me, I can be the shoulders that lift my children so they can climb mountains. By stepping out of myself and placing Jesus at the center of each interaction, I am showing my children the love Jesus has for them. Our children learn what it means to be a light for others through our words and actions.
Through Autism, our children have been given unique gifts for a time such as this in a world that desperately needs the love of Jesus Christ. God has a plan for them; I do not doubt that. Through the eyes of my child, it is pretty simple. We need to reach out and love like a child.
And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matt. 18:3)
As my son wraps his arms around me, I thank God for entrusting me with this precious child who reminds me each day that God is present in our lives. I am reminded of a beautiful quote by Pope Francis:
God created the world with a wide variety of flowers of all kinds of colors. Each flower has its own beauty, which is unique. Also, each one of us is beautiful in the eyes of God, and He loves us. This makes us feel the need to say to God: thank you!
I am so grateful for the wide variety of beautiful flowers God has blessed me with!
Photo by Jeremiah Lawrence on Unsplash
