Eighteen years later I can still remember that fight. Although it was painful it started us down the road to successful problem solving. We rarely fight anymore, and if we argue, it almost never gets hot. The reasons for this are first, God's grace. And second, The Rules. After The Big Fight of '83 we made rules for arguing and have stuck to them (with numerous violations and refinements) ever since.
Even though we're Christians, even though we pray and go to Confession and Mass and try to be good Catholics, we are bound to have disagreements, sometimes huge ones. How we handle that challenge can mean the difference between war and peace in our homes. Marty and I have had our share of all-nighters. We have said harsh words and have shed many tears. We have thought we were of different species. When we read John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus, we pointed at each other and said, “That's exactly what you're like.” A happy marriage is a lot of work. The Rules helped us do that work more effectively.
One of the single greatest witnesses to the truth of Jesus Christ is the success and peace of Christian marriage. With that in mind, I thought I'd pass along The Rules.
These rules have made a world of difference to us. We're far from perfect, and our marriage has its flaws, but we're way more in love than we were in '83.
To me, that says it all.
T H E__R U L E S
by Kris and Marty Franklin1. We are on the same side. We are a team. The goal is not for me to win. The goal is to solve the problem and to love you better.
2. Your feelings matter to me even if they are very different from mine. I will not judge your feelings. I will try to understand them and I will try to help you understand mine.
3. I will not shout, throw, or slam anything.
4. I will not be sarcastic, call you names, or swear.
5. I will never threaten or even hint at the possibility of divorce. We are in this together for life. If I need space to think, cool off, or pray, I'll ask for it and go to another room. I will not leave the house in anger.
6. I will not ascribe motives to your actions. I cannot read your mind and won't try.
7. I will keep quiet when you talk and listen to everything you say.
8. I will stick with this discussion for as long as it takes. If we can't finish right now, I will make a date in the very near future to pick it up again. I will not leave problems unresolved.9. I will not give you the silent treatment. I will do my best to express my thoughts and feelings so you can understand. I will not clam up. I will not pout or manipulate through guilt.
10. I will ask for clarification when I don't understand you. I will not jump to conclusions.
11. I will not throw old sins in your face.
12. I will apologize quickly if I break any of the above rules and I will try to do better as we go along.
13 I will admit when I am wrong. I will say I'm sorry. I will ask for your forgiveness.
14. If the children overhear us I will apologize to each of them and explain that married people argue even when they love each other very much. I will assure them that I love you and that our family is not in any danger whatsoever. I will never make you out to be the bad guy.
15. If we can't solve a problem on our own in a reasonable amount of time, I will agree to outside help.
(This article courtesy of Envoy Magazine.)
