Some variant of this letter appears at least twice a year, and Abby usually tells the writer to notify the parents that the gifts will cease until the manners mature. I know very few grandmothers who would be so hard-hearted. Still, it's easy to understand their frustration. Gift-giving is not meant to be a one-way interaction.
Etiquette expert Judith Martin (“Miss Manners”) says, “Small children are able to separate their enjoyment of presents from any feeling of gratitude to those who gave them. That is natural behavior. Therefore, they must be taught by rote…to do the right thing, whether they like it or not.” The right thing means a proper thank you for every gift. Written thanks are required only when the present is opened out of sight of the giver. However, a written note of thanks is always welcome, whether Grandma or the postal service delivers the gift. (And, if the personal “thank you” was weak, it might soothe hurt feelings in the bargain…)
Forgetting to formally thank the generous is still a major faux-pas in many families, including mine. Some lucky children can give Grandma a big “thank you” hug when they see her the next day. The rest of us have to find a way to hug her long distance. Most grandparents will settle for the telephone “thank you,” but would love a childish example of the art of correspondence. How do we make Grandma happy, and motivate the children to learn gracious manners?
No one is offended when mother writes a thank-you for two year-old Barbara. We all know the “pre-literati” are not able to take pen in hand and deftly thank Aunt Louise for the six-pack of bargain underwear. (Even accomplished writers may shudder at that task…) But toddlers and preschoolers are able and quite willing to color, cut, paint and paste. Why not send Aunt Louise a thank you craft? This subtly makes the project little Barb's responsibility. The kids enjoy the creative fun, and the grandparents and relatives are thrilled to receive a unique “thank-you.”
An early introduction to the social graces can help your child avoid the greedy approach to birthdays and Christmas (or at least tone it down a bit). Best of all, both boys and girls will already be in the habit of sending a “thank you” when they are able to write Aunt Louise. You are then free to tutor them in level-two etiquette: feigned delight. (“Dear Auntie Lou, Thank you so much for the collection of pastel panties with the high waists. And so many of them! You really shouldn't have! Love and Kisses, Barbara Ann.”)
Here are some ways your littlest Miss (or Mister) Manners can begin her social education. (Don't let up on the boys — men have gotten away with allowing women to handle their social responsibilities for far too long!)
Ages 1-3 (Pre-verbal)
Frame your thanks. Take pictures as the gifts are unwrapped. Or, snap a shot of your child playing with the gift, or wearing it. Then help your little cherub make a frame for the photo. Cut a heart (or square, or circle, etc.) from the center of a piece of construction paper and let the child color the resulting frame. Use crayons, stickers, glue and glitter, markers, watercolors, and/or whatever else you have on hand. Tape or glue the picture in the frame (with background paper if necessary), and drop it in the mail. Write “Thank You” on the frame, in case the recipient is puzzled to receive a lovely craft in lieu of a traditional note.
One of a kind hands and feet. Help your infant make thank you cards with a stamp pad. Fold paper into “cards.” Place her tiny hand or foot on the pad, and then on the card. If she's anything like my littlest, she'll get the idea right away. A marvelous mess will ensue … and you should be able to send at least three or four of the cards right away with a brief note of thanks written inside. This idea also works with tempera paint. (Just be sure to let it dry before you send it!) If your angel has a short attention span, let her walk through the paint on rolls of paper, and then cut out cards from the design.
A collage of thanks. Buy some confetti at your local card store. (Or, make your own from construction paper, tin foil, wrapping paper, etc.) With a glue stick, spell out “Thank You” on the paper. If the glue dries too fast, try spelling one word at a time. Let mini-Michelangelo affix the confetti to the page. Try putting the confetti in a cup and pouring it on the page. You can also try other collage materials like beans, glitter, macaroni, tissue paper, etc. Mail when dry. (Have the vacuum cleaner handy — the confetti version of this project usually ends in a celebration…)
Ages 3-5 (Verbal)
Play secretary. Tell your child you will be the secretary. Prompt her with reminders of the gift and the giver, and write down her responses verbatim. Encourage stories, even long-winded ones, either before or after the “thank you” statement. (Grandparents are notoriously generous to young belletrists!) She can probably write her own name on the note, stuff it in an envelope, stamp it and put it in the mailbox. Don't forget to help her address the envelope!
Recycled thanks. Do you have an over-abundance of preschool art projects covering your refrigerator door? And a limited amount of time for routine correspondence? Let your child choose one of her favorite works. Help her write “thank you” somewhere conspicuous, and send it post-haste to the relative of your choice. Miss Manners might cringe, but it really is the thought that counts.
Scrambled alphabet thanks. Cut big letters out of magazines to spell “thank you,” and perhaps the name of the giver and recipient. Your child can help you identify and glue the letters to a nice sheet of paper. Older preschoolers can cut out the letters themselves, and perhaps even “write” the letter with a bit of guidance. A little embellishment with pen, paint or crayon makes it nicer, and less akin to a ransom note.
Computer assisted genius. Let the child “write” a thank you note on the word processor or typewriter. Many children who cannot write their own name are able to spell it out on the computer. You may need to add a note at the bottom explaining the letter and its gracious intent. Our little computer nerds can even print it out themselves! Once we teach them to email, we're set.
Thanks “Hollywood-style.” Videotape the children opening gifts on Christmas or birthdays. Include a special section devoted to close-up “thank yous.” Copy the tape and send it to the gift givers. You may have to coach your kids before the “show” to talk to the camera. This makes an excellent thank-you for grandparents who are not able to see the children as often as they would like. Audiotapes also work, and are easier to doctor, should the child have trouble thinking of something kind to say about the gift! (I would avoid this approach if your children are new to the thank-you game, or if you are not sure they will be thrilled with their gifts when they open them. Aunt Louise can get a written note…)
Ages 5-7 (Literate, sort of)
Stand by to help. Make a list of gifts and givers for your child, and help her read it. Be ready to help spell words or form letters for the very new writer. Encourage with praise and try not to correct every little word. If your child is more artistic than literate, refrain from forcing her to write if it frustrates her. Grandma would rather have her art anyway.
Attention to detail. Make the writing experience fun with writing supplies. Include special stationery with stickers, sealing wax, colored pencils, etc., in the collection of birthday gifts. The “thank you” chore will become a great excuse to use the new gifts.
Reinforce a good habit. Remind your child to write the notes immediately after the gifts have been opened or the party ends. Make it clear that you expect this to be her job, not yours. Bribery works, but at this age the threat of gift confiscation or privilege removal works better. Discreetly ask Grandma to write back to your courteous child, praising her for a job well done.
