From the look on her face, I could see that she was very unhappy. I changed the subject. But I was profoundly troubled.
Why do complete strangers share such personal information? Worse, why would this woman want anyone to know the child was “not wanted”? Whatever the circumstances of the child's conception, she is here now, and deserves the full love and concern of her mother. When pro-choice activists say that every child should be wanted, they unwittingly force the “unwanted” child's parents to indicate a reason for their fecundity. How unfair!
The very worst part was that all of our children witnessed the entire conversation. (Believe me, I kept it short!) Children have a tendency to repeat any comment you least wish them to recall. How might this little girl feel someday when/if her older siblings taunt her with the phrase “Norplant baby, norplant baby! Mommy didn't want you!”?
My generation (last-of-the-Boomers) grew up assuming we were wanted. It simply was not possible to “plan” a family when my parents were raising us. Even those of my friends who were obvious “surprises” were never treated like the “norplant baby.” Back then, discretion was the better part of valor. My generation not only lacks discretion, we wouldn't recognize it if it bit us on the behinds. (Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones serve nicely as Exhibits A & B.)
Contraception may give a woman “control” over her fertility. It doesn't come without a price, however. No one would have thought of asking a complete stranger if a child was wanted prior to the contraceptive era. If you have more children than the rest of the world, then the implication is that you are either crazy or stupid. Have we really come a long way, baby?
The ideal family size seems to have settled at two, three at the most. Women pregnant for the third or fourth time feel a need to “explain” themselves. They say things like, “Oh, my husband talked me into one last pregnancy,” and “Oh, we were so shocked that I am pregnant,” and “I can't believe I was foolish enough to go through this again.”
Do we really want our children to hear us talking this way? Is it anyone's business how you felt at the time of conception? The vast majority of surprise pregnancies (that are allowed to continue, that is) end up with happy parents cradling their newborns lovingly, and making the necessary sacrifices to raise them well. No one, and I mean no one, needs to know that you cried when the blue circle appeared on the test tube. Honesty is not the best policy in this case. The psychological stability of the child should be more important than our feelings.
I am regularly on the receiving end of unwelcome comments about my fertility. Our six children range in age from 10 years to two months. Did we want all of them? Emphatically yes! Did we plan them all out this way? Emphatically none of your business! We love them. Period. Best of all, I can truthfully say that each child has brought out huge graces in my life. My cup overflows, and I am so thankful.
Too many people think that love is only an emotion. It is also an act of the will. Our romantic fantasies about life need the raw edge of reality. Love isn't easy and it sometimes hurts. But loving our children even through the worst of years is what motherhood is all about.
Sacrifice for the sake of our children pays huge dividends, for individual families and for society as a whole. There will always be “surprise” pregnancies. Let there be more surprised love in response.
My hero this year is a woman profiled in the newspaper. She had three girls, ages nine, seven and three … and quadruplets, aged one. This woman is a survivor. When asked how she does it, she replied, “I just take care of each one, one after the other, after the other, after the other.” No complaints here, and no pity party. Her glass is half full, not half empty. And it just so happens that she didn't learn that attitude from Dr. Spock. She learned it from God, at her local church.
She can hang with me at coffee hour anytime! The donuts are on me!
