The first part of this article dealt with parents’ growing addiction to pursuing the material things of this world and the danger of placing materialism, comfort and excess in front of our relationships with God. As bad as that problem has become, consider another growing crisis: our disordered focus also takes critically important time away from our duty to our children.
Surrogate Parents
Who is raising our children today? Are we responsible for developing their character, values, work ethic, sense of community and most importantly their love for God? The answer is obviously yes, but have we taken charge and are we teaching our children as well as we were taught by our parents? Have the complex demands of today’s society taken away our ability to be the nurturing, caring and emotionally available parents we are supposed to be? My wife and I struggle daily with fighting off the negative influences facing our children and we don’t always win that battle.
While we focus our time and efforts on providing unnecessary gadgets and comfort for our family are we in fact neglecting our families? The campaign by retail companies to market to our children and the media’s active complicity in that campaign have left our children vulnerable to attack. One only has to observe carefully children’s programming on TV, computer games, video games or any other media channel to see the drive to force our kids to becoming tomorrow’s consumers….today. The Consumers Electronic Association of America noted that the average American home contains 26 different electronic devices for communication and media! Studies have shown that U.S. children watch an average of 25-30 hours a week of television. I am intimidated, yet inspired by the possibility that we could fill that time with developing our children’s characters, playing games, listening to them, praying or anything that will allow us to shape their lives instead of relinquishing control to Sponge Bob, MySpace or the latest computer game!
[Editor’s note: Author Randy Hain will be interviewed on Sacred Heart Radio at 6:50 a.m. EST on Tuesday, November 18th to discuss his article “Surrogate Gods, Surrogate Parents” with morning host Brian Patrick. You can listen to the show from your computer by clicking on this link: http://www.sacredheartradio.com/. You will see a link to “listen live” which will allow you to hear Randy’s interview. ]
Don’t forget peer pressure. As bad as this exposure can be in your own home, imagine what your child is seeing and hearing at school from friends and classmates. Remember how much we wanted to fit in and be cool at that age? Well, our kids have the same desire and emulating the behavior of their peers may be the only way they see to be part of the group. I often wonder if our kids seek out role models in school, sports or through the media because we aren’t setting the right example or showing them alternative role models in our parish, in our extended families or the few heroes we have in the world today who stand for virtue and values. It is a hard thing to admit…
The bottom line is we may be increasingly relinquishing our parenting responsibilities to television, video games, the Internet, the mall and influential peer groups at school. These “surrogate parents” don’t care about our children or love them. Their only focus is turning them into little consumers and fitting in with the false image they have lifted up as the standard to follow. In the case of online predators, there are those who would do our children great harm if we are not careful. It is tragic, but true.
There is a war going on for the hearts and minds of our children and we have to take back the responsibility to raise our kids in a manner that is good for them and pleasing to God. Teaching our children about responsibility, stewardship, character, virtue and most importantly to love God (and that He loves them!) is the responsibility of parents. I have written many times about work as a vocation, but parenting is a mother’s and father’s first vocation. Nobody else can do it for us.
A Game Plan
It is ironic and sad (and encouraging?) that as our country struggles in the midst of a painful recession, I have observed so many who have experienced job loss, financial hardship, anxiety and a host of other struggles. My conversations with the majority of these good people have a common thread: they are enjoying the extra time they are spending with their families, they are getting to “know their kids again”, faith has become very important and meaningful in their lives and their marriages are back on solid ground. Maybe these folks are the lucky ones who have been forced to realize for maybe the first time the perilous path they were on in their relationships with God and their children. Is it possible for us to get this message before we also go through the same wrenching hardships?
King Solomon said in Proverbs 29:18, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”
What is the vision for our relationship with God and how we will raise our children? It must be a Christ-centered vision and not a media-inspired vision — let’s agree on that! I propose these practical thoughts which I am trying to follow, as possible steps in the right direction to remove the obstacles to our relationship with God and reclaim our parental rights with our kids:
- Prayer: Make your prayer life a priority. Pray to the Lord for guidance and wisdom and be thankful for what you have. Pray with your children. It all starts here.
- Detachment: Really ask yourself if you need “it”, what ever “it” is. Let go of the things that are in the way of your prayer life, church attendance, charitable giving, volunteering and certainly your relationship with God. The Catechism (2556) says, “Detachment from riches is necessary for entering the Kingdom of Heaven.”
- Love and Limits: Our children need and deserve our love. They need us to love them so much that we must be willing to set clear limits over what they are watching and listening to as well as being involved in knowing who their friends are. The world is filled with boundaries and we have an obligation to teach our children to deal with them.
- Time: Our children need our time. Put down the Blackberry, turn off the television, cancel the golf outing and let’s spend more time with our kids! Scott Hahn once said that in our modern age the father or mother who is willing to walk out of the office after 40 hours in order to have more time with his/her family is the real hero.
- Listening: It is often difficult to remember to listen to our children. We feel that we have so little time to interact and instruct our kids that we wind up in lecture mode most of the time. I personally struggle with this, but on those occasions when I slow down enough to listen and experience what they are thinking and feeling, I find that I am the one who is learning something.
- Example, Character and Virtue: We have an opportunity and an obligation to set the right example for our children. Please read this carefully: Our children will become what ever we raise them to be. Think about the opportunity we have to let our kids grow up seeing our rock solid faith in God, our devotion to the Church, our consistent character, our virtuous behavior, our devotion to family, our stewardship, our strong prayer life and our focus on doing the right thing. Or, we can relinquish all of this responsibility to the media, Brittney Spears and their friends on MySpace.
- Our Faith Journey…will be the example for their faith journey. Our kids will be likely to pray, honor and serve the Lord, go to reconciliation, volunteer, tithe, observe the Sacraments and be strong in their faith IF they grow up in a household where Mom and Dad set the example.
As a Catholic father with a young family, I am worried about the future for my children and the world they will inherit. But, I am comforted by the knowledge that Jesus gave us an instruction manual (the Bible) and a teacher whose sole purpose is to help me and my family follow Christ’s teachings and get to Heaven (the Church). I will share again that I struggle with the same challenges as you and I don’t pretend to have all of the answers. I do know that it is not too late to turn away from the things of this world and place our relationships with God and our children on a proper footing. Take comfort in Philippians 4:13: “I have the strength for everything through Him who empowers me.”
I have to go now. Time to pick up the kids at school and play a little soccer…
