I’m not the handiest guy around the house but I have logged hundreds of hours watching episodes of This Old House and programs on HGTV (the Home & Garden network). My viewing habits make me expert at watching other people fix common household problems.
I may not be able to install a garbage disposer or fix your garage door, but I’m willing to stop by your house and watch as the professionals do the heavy lifting.
I have, however, learned about two plumbing-related problems recently that you should know about. The first is how to unclog a drain using nothing but poetry. The second is how to keep your dishwasher from spitting your dishes into the next county.
Tip #1: The pen is mightier than the plunger
A few months ago, a friend of mine was babysitting our kids while my wife and I went out to dinner. Upon our return, he informed us that our toilet had backed up and that he couldn’t find a plunger to fix it. He did, however, present us with a poem about our toilet. The “Ode to the Commode” was not a simple limerick or two-stanza ditty. It contained a full 12 verses, including:
The worst part of the night
I’ll never forget
No plunger in sight
to unclog toilet
and
So now your bathroom
is pretty well soiled
I hope that your evening
wasn’t all spoiled
My wife and I were speechless. We refused to tell him where the plunger was. How could we ask a poet to do such menial work? It would be like asking Robert Frost to caulk your windows. Perhaps, you might ask Mr. Frost to assist with drywall building, but never window caulking.
We congratulated our friend on his literary talent, thanked him for looking after the kids and sent him home. His poem has been laminated and now hangs in our bathroom. The next time he baby-sits, I hope the power goes out. I’d love to have a sonnet about our fuse box.
So, the next time there’s a major catastrophe at your home, don’t run for the toolbox. Put on your Harris Tweed with the patches on the elbows, pick up your quill pen and write a poem. Before long, someone will show up and fix the problem.
Tip #2: If fire shoots out of your faucet, do not attempt to wash your hands
My father-in-law gave me a true news story about how dishwashers have been exploding on military bases. If upon returning from vacation, you see your fine china across the street in your neighbor’s front yard, you may have a problem with your dishwasher. There are two possible causes for exploding-dishwasher syndrome: Either the “New and Improved” dishwashing detergent you’re using contains gunpowder or you have hydrogen gas in your pipes.
It seems that while doing a normal home inspection, an inspector turned on the dishwasher. The dishwasher exploded. According to the article, “The blast propelled the dishwasher, which was installed under the kitchen counter, across the kitchen…Pieces of the dishwasher and cabinets were scattered for 20 feet…and the front door was blown open and damaged.”
After testing other homes, it was discovered that hydrogen gas collects in hot-water heaters when the hot water isn’t used for a long period of time. Occasionally, the gas gets trapped in plumbing lines and ka-boom — flaming Tupperware raining down for a three-mile radius.
One of the engineers who investigated the mishap said he had heard of small fires at faucets because someone had a cigarette in his or her hand when a hot water faucet that had been closed for a long period of time was opened. I guess the fact that the fires were small is supposed to console me. Unfortunately, I usually get alarmed when something that typically dispenses a fire-extinguishing substance decides to fill my glass with a 300-degree ball of flame.
Important lesson learned
The article ended with this summary:
What this means to you:
When you move into a house or apartment that has been vacant, hydrogen gas may have built up in hot water lines, which could cause an explosion. The same is true when you return home from a vacation or open up a vacation home that has been shut.
Here’s what the article means to me:
When I return from vacation, I’m using paper plates and ordering pizza for the first two weeks. Then I’m going to write a poem about the dishwasher and wait for someone else to turn it on.
Click here for the Poem of the Day.
