Do you remember the one-hit-wonder “Life Is A Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me)” by Reunion? It was a big hit in 1974, the year I entered high school. It was a catchy tune that mentioned about one thousand pop icons in staccato voice in a three-minute single.
It was a challenging song for my generation. The previous generation had “Wipeout” by The Surfaris, where teenagers would try to reproduce the drum beat by beating on the tops of chemistry laboratory benches. My generation's challenge was to try to reproduce the lyrics of this song, because if you could, you were considered cool.
Now that I am older, and infinitely wiser than I was as a teenager, I no longer worry about trying to be cool. So when I meet somebody who is an expecting parent, and they ask me, “What’s it like raising a kid these days?” I would pause pregnantly, let a tear draw its track down my cheek, and reminisce about how my wife and I, before the kids came along, would, on a whim, fly to Paris for the weekend. Now, with three boys in their teens, the most spontaneous thing we do is switch the side of the bed that we pass out on from exhaustion.
But I think that this response was perhaps not very informative for the parents-to-be. So I have decided to rewrite the lyrics from “Life Is A Rock,” and sing them in response to the question about what it is like to be a parent these days. Here they are…
Let there be no misconception
Life begins right at conception
Baby grows, your wife gets moody
Hide in safe place till she’s groovy
Bladder shrinks, the bathroom’s calling
Clear the way, there’ll be no stalling
Tummy swells, her feet get puffy
Prop them up on pillow fluffy
Back is aching, false contractions
Water breaking, spring to action
Call the doctor, don’t sound frantic
Floor the pedal, Dad in panic
Spinal tap relieves the tension
All relax, ‘cept Mom in traction
Here comes baby, keep on pushing
Primal screaming, now start nursing
Birth's a miracle, there’s no doubt
On the floor there, Dad has passed outLife is a shock, when you raise a family
Everything gets louder
So my parents told me
Life is a shock, but our children will pay
Cuz when they get older
They’ll be parents one dayTime to bring the baby home now
Strap in car seat, you should know how
Bell the cat, start crib assembly
Fill the room with soft toys friendly
Heat the bottles, choo-choo noises
Burp pad ready, cute pic poses
Dirty diapers, runny noses
Try to dine out, restaurant closes
Late-night feedings, whose turn is it
Elbow rib fight, loser gets it
Toys toys toys toys toys toys more toys
For the girl girls and the boy boys
Midnight fevers, rectal thermoms
Roller stroller, playground new moms
First real solids, crayon tasting
Kids grow up fast, no real waiting
School bus training, school starts early
Alarm goes off, hurly burlyLife is a shock, when you raise a family
Everything gets louder
So my parents told me
Life is a shock, but our children will pay
Cuz when they get older
They’ll be parents one dayHippy happy, hobby, hobby
Name the fads, now don’t get sloppy
Rama Lama Tamagotchi
Digi pets and Fibonacci
Pokemon with Pikachu man
Name them all, I bet the kids can
Micro bikes and mini scooters
Donkey Kong and Daisy shooters
Pogs and Krazy Bones were short-lived
Cost big bucks, but hey that’s big biz
Disney trips and Gooey Looey
Catch the craze but don’t say fooey
CD, TV, DVD me
GameBoy, Kirby, Internetski
When they’re older, keep them busy
Drive around town in a tizzy
Football, soccer, baseball, swimming
Tae Kwon Do and winter skiingLife is a shock, when you raise a family
Everything gets louder
So my parents told me
Life is a shock, but our children will pay
Cuz when they get older
They’ll be parents one dayNo time for sleep, no time for work
When you’ve got kids, you just can’t shirk
That’s my tale, there ain’t no more sir
Be prepared, life’s changed forever
Nick Burn is a freelance writer, husband, father of three, engineer, teacher, and is the principal behind the services of Statistics Courses. In his spare time (hah!), he enjoys camping, skiing and reading.
