Fortunately for me, she was bi-lingual. When the reporter sent me the finished article, I was amazed to see my quotes in Spanish. Then it dawned on me that I can’t read Spanish. This would come as no surprise to my college Spanish professor, who told me as much in red ink on every exam. Fortunately for me, I found a Web site that provided free language translation software.
Don’t let your feet touch the floor
When I translated the Spanish interview into English, I discovered I had given such profound advice as, “it flies better with your drinks.” I’ve lived my life by that motto, which has been handed down in my family for three generations.
Unfortunately, the reporter didn’t use my most helpful tip for flying with children: how to keep them in their seats during a long trip. Naturally, young children would prefer to wander up and down the aisle than sit for three or four hours. That’s why it’s imperative to tell your children that monsters live under their seats.
One mother to whom I suggested this technique said her daughter was only two and didn’t know about monsters yet. That’s what video rental stores are for. Five or six viewings of The Mummy and Frankenstein the night before your flight and your kids will know what a monster is.
It’s useful to get airline personnel to corroborate your story. This is easily accomplished by telling your young children that the kind of monsters that live under the seats are “exits.” When the flight attendant is preparing for takeoff and announces that exits can be found at the back, middle and front of the plane, your kids’ eyes will bug out of their heads.
Repeat after me
It occurs to me that in the diverse world we live in, many parents will sit next to passengers who don’t speak English. Perhaps you’re even considering a family trip to Puerto Rico and want to be able to converse in Spanish with the flight attendants. For your convenience, I used the handy language translation software to translate some of the most common phrases used by parents during plane trips.
Repeat after me.
Estoy apesadumbrado que mi hijo puso sus cacahuetes miel-asados encima de su nariz.
Translation: I'm sorry that my son put your honey-roasted peanuts up his nose. (This phrase can also mean, “I'm sorry that my son put HIS honey-roasted peanuts up YOUR nose,” which is just as likely to occur.)
No hay lugar para disponer del pañal de mi bebé, así que lo oculté en su bolsillo de la capa.
Translation: There is no place to dispose of my baby's diaper, so I hid it in your coat pocket.
Mi hija no significó quitar su hairpiece. Ella no tenía una servilleta y necesitado algo limpiar la jalea de ella las manos.
Translation: My daughter didn’t mean to remove your hairpiece. She didn’t have a napkin and needed something to wipe the jelly off her hands.
Sí, ése es mi hijo hacia fuera en el ala. Le dije jugar el exterior mientras que estoy mirando la película.
Translation: Yes, that is my son out on the wing. I told him to play outside while I'm watching the movie.
Puede mi paseo de la hija en el carro de la bebida como usted lo empuja traga el pasillo?
Translation: May my daughter ride on the drink cart as you push it down the aisle?
In case you're traveling through Europe, I translated the phrase, “There is no place to dispose of my baby's diaper, so I hid it in your coat pocket,” from English to German; German to French; and French to English. The final translation read: “There is no place to disencumber my baby, then dissimulates to him in your ash of coating.“
I have never had to disencumber a baby but I did have to de-cucumber my son once after he inserted a piece of salad in his ear.
They’re darling but keep them away from me
If you are not traveling with your own children, you may be subjected to other people’s precious ones. Here are some common phrases for you to use.
El olor del pañal de su niño está haciendo mi agua de los ojos.
Translation: The smell of your child's diaper is making my eyes water.
Mande por favor a su niño conseguir el suyo reparten de mi ginebra y tónico. Él está derritiendo los cubos del hielo.
Translation: Please instruct your child to get his hand out of my gin and tonic. He's melting the ice cubes.
In this case, it flies better without your drink.
(To subscribe to Tim’s column or read more of his work, visit his Web site at homepages.udayton.edu/~bete.)
