The question is more than hypothetical for many. My husband and I, for example, strive to be faithful Catholics, to live out all the teachings of the Faith, including those on marriage and children. We have three children — on earth. In Heaven there are six other souls whom I have hope I might meet someday. As a result of these sorrowful losses, our large family isn't visible to the world. This is painfully clear every time I am confronted by the issue. The questions are familiar:
“Don't you want more?”
“Are you going to try for a boy?”
(And, before our third child was born): “Only two? You need more!”
Awhile back, I met a friend’s mother and the conversation turned to children. I had two at the time and I proudly rattled off my daughters' names and ages. She smiled politely. When another guest mentioned her five children, my friend's mother lit up. “That's wonderful!” she said. “So few people have that many these days!”
Ouch. She didn't mean to hurt me, but her words stung as surely as if she’d slapped me on the cheek. I had just lost a baby two weeks prior. I wanted to shout, “I want more — I have more! They're with God — does that count?”
Of course she’d have been horrified to know that her words hurt me and I said nothing. Charity often demands silence. And it's worth noting that a fair amount of my reaction stems from pride. In the presence of people who value life I want them to know that I value it dearly, too. My openness to life is hidden with God and with my babies who, I hope, can pray daily for their mother to be less prideful and more able to handle the little stings that come her way. But still… still…
It hurts to be judged, yet it can be a vital wake-up call to not judge others. A few years ago I similarly judged an acquaintance. When I overheard her being asked about more children, I dismissed her curt response as that of one who is closed to life. I later found out that she’d been unable to conceive again, and I was jolted back to the reality of my own pain and my uncharitably quick judgment.
“Therefore, do not make any judgment before the appointed time, until the Lord comes, for He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will manifest the motives of our hearts” (1 Cor 4:5).
I was reminded to judge not by the visible number of children. Good Catholic families come in all sizes and “only” one, two or three children may be the visible sign of parents who have suffered. Conversely, families with many children can struggle in their own ways with openness to life. Occasionally, mothers-of-many can, during difficult or overwhelming times, feel just as “closed” to life as those who don’t understand Catholic teachings on contraception. It seems a cruel irony that a woman with eight children yells at God for the latest positive pregnancy test on the same day that another woman blames Him for the loss of her baby. It is not a cruel irony, but a holy one. Only the Lord knows exactly what we need — He is purifying each of us in His own way, allowing what He knows to be best, as we struggle to understand His movement in our lives.
And so, I turn to Him each day, both to understand His will for our family, and to ask for the grace to avoid judging others unfairly. Having struggled on both sides of the issue, I can say that perhaps the best response, when we hear, “Kids? Yes, we have two,” is a simple, “And what blessings they must be!” Then, let's pray for one another. Now, that’s a sign of a good Catholic family.
Karen Edmisten is a wife, homeschooling mother of three, and writer whose work has appeared in Canticle, New Covenant and This Rock. She and her husband, both converts to the Catholic faith, live in Nebraska. She can be reached at [email protected].
