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Dear Catholic Exchange:
I am planning to convert to Catholicism. My question is, will I be able to since I live with my boyfriend? We both live with my parents. Would it be okay if we had separate bedrooms and didn’t have sexual relations, or would it be better if we lived separately? Also, if we married in a Protestant church, would our marriage be recognized by the Catholic Church?
Thanks for your help,
Louise
Dear Louise,
Greetings in Christ. Congratulations and may God bless you abundantly as you prepare to come into full communion with His Catholic Church! The question is, what’s the best way for you to prepare to become Catholic, for you and your boyfriend to prepare for marriage and for you as an engaged couple to provide the best witness for your friends and family in the process.
First of all, let’s address the Church’s perspective on unmarried couples living together, particularly in preparation for marriage. When a couple live alone, the Church is unambiguous: the couple should live apart, not only because of the appearance of impropriety and the proximate occasion of serious sexual sin, but because those who cohabitate before marriage have a significantly higher rate of divorce than those who don’t. Such couples are not used to sacrifice and discipline, but rather to getting what they want when they want it, and thus they are more likely to breakup when challenges come in their married lives.
In contrast, the Church does not necessarily oppose a boyfriend’s staying at a girlfriend’s home when she is living with her parents. For example, when a boyfriend visits from out of town, there is not an issue of appearance of impropriety because the girlfriends’ parents are presumably going to be providing adequate oversight. The same would apply to occasions of sin, given that the girlfriend’s parents are presumably going to ensure that she and her and boyfriend sleep in separate rooms.
While such a living arrangement could conceivably continue if a fiancé moved in with his fiancee’s parents, we would strongly recommend that the boyfriend live in his own apartment or home. First, it would be very difficult over a several-month engagement period for a girlfriend’s parents to provide the same kind of oversight that they can for a weekend or weeklong visit. That is, what is a remote occasion of sexual sin for the couple because they’re living under the same roof could easily become a proximate occasion of sin when the boyfriend and girlfriend happen to be home alone for several hours or perhaps a weekend, if her parents go out of town.
Some might counter that living with her parents is preferable to the occasions of sin a couple might face if the boyfriend has his own place and the couple spends long hours at his place, particularly late at night. While we understand the good intention of people who make such an argument, we ultimately think their argument is not a good one. A couple living apart and seriously preparing for marriage should be cultivating the virtue of chastity, making sure they don’t spend extended time alone at one another’s homes. In addition, similar “home-alone” occasions of sin will also likely occur periodically for a couple living together with the girlfriend’s (or boyfriend’s) parents, even though there may not be late night occasions of sin.
There is also the issue of a giving a good witness to family and friends. Some who are unmarried might reason that they, too, will live together before marriage, perhaps without parental oversight and fall into serious sin as a result.
Living apart would also provide a girlfriend and her parents and close friends ample and relaxed time to discuss how the engagement process is proceeding; this living arrangement would also provide the same for the boyfriend and his parents and friends. Living under the same roof while engaged would provide less opportunity for such discussions.
Some might further argue that if a boyfriend or girlfriend have college debts, or have very little money, having the boyfriend live with her family before marriage makes good financial sense. We do not find this argument persuasive. If a couple is truly in financial need, they can live with his or her parents after they get married, when there won’t be any issue of occasions of sin or giving a good witness to friends and family. Such post-nuptial living arrangements were more common in previous generations, as young couples saved for a first home. There is no reason they can’t take place again in modern times when necessary. If your parents are open to your boyfriend’s living with them before he is married to you, they would presumably be even more open after he has become one in Christ with you through the sacrament of Marriage.
In summary, we think having your boyfriend live in a separate apartment or home would be the best way for you to prepare for becoming a Catholic and for the both of you to prepare for marriage. You would still have ample time to spend together during the courtship process. If you and your boyfriend are not yet engaged, we make our recommendation to live apart even more strongly, as there is no clear wedding goal in sight toward which the two of you can work together with your parents’ oversight, yet you are together on a day-to-day basis in very close living quarters. Succumbing to an occasion of sin is more likely in such a non-engaged scenario.
Regarding your second question, it is possible that, for family-related reasons, the Catholic Church might give you a dispensation as a new Catholic to be married at a Protestant church. To find out more about getting a dispensation, speak to the priest at whose parish you will receive religious formation to become a Catholic. If your boyfriend is Catholic, you could also address the issue with his parish priest. In addition, the two of you should become involved in a solid marriage preparation program at a parish or perhaps with a retired priest whereby you are the only couple receiving instruction. Finally, regarding marriage preparation, I strongly recommend that you and your boyfriend read together A Catholic Handbook for Engaged and Newly Married Couples (Emmaus Road). To order one or more copies, call (800) 39805470. We also recommend that you read our Marriage in God's Plan FAITH FACT.
I hope this answers your question. If you have further questions on this or would like more information about Catholics United for the Faith, please contact us at 1-800-MY-FAITH (693-2484). Please keep us in your prayers as we endeavor to “support, defend, and advance the efforts of the teaching Church.”
United in the Faith,
Thomas J. Nash
Senior Information Specialist
Catholics United for the Faith
827 North Fourth Street
Steubenville, OH 43952
800-MY-FAITH (800-693-2484)
