It has a reputation as a hard teaching: Ephesians, Chapter 5 — you know, that passage which many preachers dodge or avoid (either because they can’t figure out what it means, don’t agree with St. Paul, or are afraid of backlash from the congregation). Yes, I am talking about "let women be subject to their husbands…" (Ep. 5: 22). This St. Valentine’s Day of the year of St. Paul is the perfect time to contemplate and embrace St. Paul’s teachings on marriage, and this is part of it.
First, we must realize that this passage is not an anomaly with St. Paul. St. Paul teaches similar sentiments elsewhere: in 1 Cor. 11: 3 ("the head of every woman is the man"); and in Colossians 3:18 ("Wives be subject to your husbands…"). Some have said that St. Paul just didn’t like women; but then we look and find that St. Peter, our first pope says: "let wives be subject to their husbands" (1 Peter 3:1)!
Is it simply a matter of a different culture, thus we can ignore these passages? Fr. Benedict Groeshel, C.F.R. in Reform of Renewal (Ignatius Press) says, "The believer accepts the fact that divine Providence has given us the Sacred Scriptures as a special grace. They are not the words of men; they are the words of God. … We have to accept the words of Scripture as living words addressed to ourselves. While we use our intelligence and research to discover the best possible understanding and interpretation of these words as they were originally given …" So we see, we can’t just dismiss these words, "let women be subject to their husbands" because they don’t fit our "culture;" we need to take a closer look, and embrace these words as coming from God.
Passages in Holy Scripture can have more than one meaning, or have different levels of meanings. Any particular line in Holy Scripture must be understood in the context of all of Scripture and especially in context with those passages surrounding. Unfortunately everyone is so focused on the line "wives be subject to your husbands," that context is lost. We need to look at the whole of St. Paul’s teaching on marriage. After we seek understanding, then we can enter prayer and ask guidance on how this Scripture applies to our very circumstances
First, we may have heard that the family is a model of the Holy Trinity. We say that the love between God the Father and God the Son is so great that the Holy Ghost proceeds from Them — in a similar manner, the love between husband and wife begets children. But note, the family is not the Holy Trinity; it just models the Holy Trinity. In the same way we see St. Paul modeling marriage, the relation between the husband and wife, as Christ and the Church. Note that this is a model or prototype — the husband and wife aren’t actually Christ and His Church. While this would seem obvious, sometimes the distinction gets lost as the words used to describe reality and prototype merge.
St. Paul models marriage after Christ and His Church. The husband is the prototype of Christ; the wife the prototype of the Church. Christ physically "enters" His Church in the Holy Eucharist. The husband "enters" the wife in marriage. These are realities. Christ is the protector of the Church — the husband, is the protector of the family. The Church is subject to Christ. Yet also the Church is the Mystical Body of Christ. This is why St. Paul says of the husband: "He that loveth his wife, loveth himself. For no man ever hateth his own flesh". This hearkens back to Genesis, — "they shall be two in one flesh".
The parallels continue: Adam says of Eve, "This now is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man " (emphasis added). The Church was born from the Side of Christ on Good Friday. Woman is originally born from the rib — or the side of man. So with these similarities, we can see why husband and wife take on their respective prototypical roles.
We can not leave the academic study of scripture without mentioning one sobering point. We know that in reality and throughout history some men and societies have (because of their physical strength and power) placed women as inferior to men and have subjected women to all kinds of outrage and abuse. This continues especially in the pornography which is so widespread today. This was prophesized in Genesis. After God has found Adam and Eve in their guilt, God admonishes Eve, saying: "I will multiply thy sorrows, and thy conceptions: in sorrow shalt thou bring forth children, and thou shalt be under thy husband’s power; he shall have dominion over thee." The natural order has been broken and thus true charity is turned into selfish desires and struggles for power. However the dominion of man over woman that God admonishes Eve with is not the same subjection St. Paul talks abou — for St. Paul is raising women out of their sorrow created by Eve.
In fact we must digress for a moment and emphasize that while many societies have placed women as inferior, it is the historical fact, (contrary to what secular historians claim), that it is the Catholic Church that has raised the dignity of women to be the same as that of man — because (in part) She (the Church) sees in women a reflection of Herself — and because the dignity of women is a God-made reality.
Note that St. Paul describes wives’ subjection to their husbands as the prototype for the Church’s subjection to Christ. Does the Church feel cheated because She is formed from the side of Christ? Does the Church feel slighted because She must follow Christ (to Her salvation)? Yet the hairs rise on the necks of feminists when women are made the prototype of the Church. Christ loves the Church. It is the object of His great affection. Women are made prototype to this image of Christ’s affection. How can one take offense? The wife should embrace the honor given her as prototype for the Church: that instrument of Christ, that bride of Christ, through which graces flow — through which all men come to their salvation. Women are the prototype of this worthy bride!
In fact, it is the husband who should pale and fear the words of Ephesians. He is asked to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. How did Christ love the Church, His bride? Through suffering and death; by opening His side and pouring out every drop of His precious life-blood. This is what husbands are asked to do for their wives as the prototype of Christ — love without counting the cost, without ceasing. St. Paul says that the husband must sanctify his wife. Just as Christ cleanses and purifies His bride so that it can approach the Father "not having a spot or wrinkle, … but should be holy and without blemish", thus also, the husband must present his bride to God — having made her "holy and without blemish".
We need to take this new understanding, which has only scratched the theological surface, to prayer so we can understand what it means in our own lives. Everyone wants to focus on their spouses’ responsibilities instead of their own. It is easy to tell for a man to tell his wife, "You are not being subject to me!" But this is in reality a matter between her and her confessor. Or the woman to say to her husband, "You are not loving me as Christ does!" This is a matter between him and his confessor. Instead of examining each other’s consciences, we need to examine our own.
For the woman, she should meditate on this passage in a new light — the light of embracing her vocation as wife, mother, and woman. She should always be mindful that she is the prototype for the Church and all that this entails. In her life as mother and wife, is she a vessel of love and grace to her family? Does she understand she is one flesh with her husband — not an independent woman?
For the man (and I can speak to this more readily), we find the tables have been turned. Instead of Ephesians 5 being an excuse to lord it over our families, we find it is an obligation of service. Recall Christ’s washing His disciples’ feet at the Last Supper. Again, it was the Lord who suffered on the cross, not His Church. We are the prototypes of Christ in our family. His leadership of the Church is one of charity and suffering. We must examine our conscience as husbands and fathers and ask ourselves: How do I suffer for my family? What sacrifices do I offer? Do I fast for my wife and children? How, when and how often do I pray and mortify myself for my family? Do I serve my family — giving all, or do I expect my wife and children to serve my needs? Do I lead family prayers? Do I lead by edict or by sacrificial example ? What concrete efforts am I making to present my spouse to God as "holy and without blemish"?
Whether we understand all the theological prototypes in Ephesians or not, in the final analysis husband and wife must make charity for each other a priority. St. Paul begins his treatise on marriage with the words, "Being subject one to another , in the fear of Christ" (emphasis added). The Church, through the teaching of Sts. Peter and Paul on marriage, brings husband and wife to their greatest dignity. Christ has sanctified marriage — let us not sully it in our territorial selfishness. Instead of keeping score, as husbands and wives we must give until we have nothing left — until the last drop has fallen. If we want to truly take to heart St. Paul’s (and Christ’s) teaching on marriage, we need to stop setting boundaries on our service to each other. Instead, let us take to heart St. Paul’s great exhortation to charity in 1 Corinthians 13 ("love … endureth all things"), and St. Peter’s most practical admonishment for married couples in 1 Peter 4: 8 ("for charity covereth a multitude of sins").
(A version of this article was published in 2005 by Catholic Exchange.)
