I want a little credit here folks! But more importantly, I want royalties! Or at least an acknowledgement they copied my satarical brilliance. And a job on SNL.
November 5th, 2003, my column, Another Look At Bargain Airfares, hit the press. Later it hit the WWW. I wrote:
” ‘Good morning. We’ll now begin boarding Bargain Flight 00 from Charlotte to Columbus. In case of a water landing, your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device. If you care for a seat cushion while traveling today, please place a quarter in the slot and firmly pull the cushion off the rack in the jetway. If you’re a frequent flyer member, there’ll be no extra charge for bringing your own meal on board. Nonmembers must pay a trash disposal fee of $3. To sign up for our frequent flyer program, simply complete a registration card in the noncomplimentary in-flight magazine, apply postage and mail.’
“I figured I’d make my bathroom run now before I had to step over a seatmate. I paid a vending machine a dollar to lower the toilet seat and a nickel per square of toilet paper. I knew I should’ve heeded my mother’s advice to always carry tissues in my purse.
“The flight attendant maneuvered up isle handing out price lists.
Headphones: $5
Functioning seatbelt: $10
Pretzels: $1
Ice in your water: $2
Coffee stir stick: 25cents
Making me stop the mid-flight shift of carts in the rear galley that mimic the sound of the tail falling off: $72
Use of fold down tray that tilts slightly towards the aft cabin: $10
In flight magazine without crossword puzzle already completed: $3
In flight magazine with crossword puzzle blank: $6
Pillow: $2; Blanket: $ 4; Pillow/Blanket combo: $5
Functional plastic shade over window: $3”
In 2007, Mad TV created a satarical video of a flight attendant giving the safety speech. She says, “Please make sure your seatbelts are fastened. Seatbelts can be purchased for $5….”
Just this week, was I surprised to see US Air adding yet ANOTHER fee to their increasingly unfriendly airline? No. Do I want credit for predicting they’ll charge for a stinking pillow and blanket? You bet! Give me Delta or United any day. My aisle seat, water, cookie and blankie are still included. And so far Delta and United haven’t encroached on my literary path.
Unlike Reader’s Digest, who in the September, 2008 issue included a comic of a “Socks Without Partners” meeting. On December 3rd, 2003, I introduced the world to “Socks Without Partners”. Ever since, that column has been taped on laundry room doors and forwarded to 12-Step Programs, websites and inboxes in all sock-wearing nations.
Do I want credit for publishing the concept first? You bet! A million dollars would be swell too. But really, I’d settle for a little acknowledgement. With no added fees. And that SNL gig.
