Empty Kettles
When I reminisce about my Catholic grade school days, I recall a nun with a round face who was graced with more patience than I probably deserved. Mostly because I was overly chatty with my friends. Whenever we would talk too much, which was often, she would exclaim, “Girls! Empty kettles make a lot of noise.” That would ignite a fit of giggles behind little hands and blushing cheeks. It wasn’t until I matured that I realized how true and helpful those words still are, especially today. Whenever I am in the company of someone who overcommunicates or if I find myself talking too much, I see her face and remember those words.
In fact, St. Francis de Sales, who is the patron saint of writers and journalists, taught the value of measured speech. He stressed the importance of speaking honestly and kindly, and warned against excessive, careless words. He gave us the six pillars of mindful speech. These include gentleness, reasoning to bridle your tongue, being brief, no mocking, no indecent language, and being lighthearted without ridicule. He believed that mastering the tongue and our speech would lead us closer to God and to a perfected spirituality. It’s no wonder that our beloved nun wanted to help lead us down the right path into adulthood by limiting our senseless chatter!
Is Silence Really Golden?
So, should my friends and I have kept silent throughout the day? No, that was not the point of the lesson. St. Francis de Sales said, “Mere silence is not wisdom, for wisdom consists in knowing when and how to speak and when and where to keep silent.” St. Francis de Sales and my school nun aren’t saying we should never talk. Instead, the issue is unnecessary speech.
Our words should be intentional. When we speak too much, we start babbling. We have all been in a situation where, when talking with someone, we can’t get a word in edgewise. By disciplining our tongues and speaking carefully, we give the other person a chance to speak. However, if we make a lot of noise by talking, we don’t learn through the art of listening and therefore remain an empty kettle.
When I think about measured speech, I like to compare it to baking. We are careful to follow a recipe and measure out a cup of sugar, two sticks of butter, a teaspoon of vanilla, etc. But if we add too much salt or confuse baking soda for baking powder, our confection can be ruined. With our speech, we sometimes forget to measure. If we spew it all out there without thinking about the quantity and quality of the words we are using, relationships can be ruined. Limitless words and meaningless chatter turn us into empty, clanging kettles, which is a recipe for disaster.
Why did Jesus Choose to Speak in Parables?
Jesus knew the importance of precise words and how best to convey His teachings. You may say, “Of course! He’s God.” Yes, and we can learn from how He chose His words and why. The purpose of using parables was to reveal His messages to those willing to listen while concealing the truths from the critics. This was a brilliant way to engage His followers because He used everyday scenarios they were familiar with. His words were intentional and filled with timeless wisdom. His followers could relate to Him when talking about vineyards, sheep, mustard seeds, wheat, and grains, to name a few. His words were meaningful and spoke to the heart.
When we speak to others, we, too, can consider ways our speech can connect with them. I sometimes like to use analogies. It gives a person perspective to see something they are dealing with in a whole new light. It also adds lighthearted humor, if appropriate, depending on the situation.
Keep Out of Trouble
Aside from getting in trouble with the nun, I learned throughout the years that an unchecked tongue can hurt people’s feelings, cause anger, crush spirits, lose friendships, and cause overall division. Words can start wars or make peace. We are reminded of this in Proverbs 21:23: “To watch over mouth and tongue is to keep out of trouble.” I find that, especially when I need to have a difficult or critical conversation with someone, saying exactly what is necessary without too much or too little keeps me out of trouble.
It’s not easy. It’s not something you ace overnight. Just like anything else, it takes practice and self-awareness to master this habit. Some helpful tips: slow down, pause, breathe deeply, always be truthful, and think before you respond.
I have recently fallen into the trap of overexplaining when I needed to say no to someone. Sometimes the more you try to explain, the more trouble you get yourself into. We mistakenly think we are being nice by giving more detail. Instead, the more reasons you give, the more the response may sound as if you are unsure about your decision, even though that was not your intent.
Full Kettles
How can we ensure we live our lives as full kettles and not empty ones? St. Francis de Sales knew that controlling our tongue allows us to make time for listening. When you are conversing with someone, pause. Remind yourself to listen seventy percent of the time. Try your best to speak only thirty percent of the time or less, using thoughtful, intentional words. Then discover how that positively changes your spiritual life!
Try to avoid interrupting and show careful attention to the speaker. It is through listening that we learn. If you don’t know much about what the other person is saying, don’t be afraid to admit it. Ask the person to tell you more. Never bluff and do not try to make it seem as if you know more about a topic than you do. The more you practice judicious speaking and listening, the better you will become, and over time it will become a habit.
It is amazing what you learn when you take time to listen to others who are willing to share their stories. Over the years, controlling my tongue and listening more has enabled me to start a ministry at my local church, which just so happens to be St. Francis de Sales Parish. I also became a dedicated volunteer at a local hospice facility where compassionate speech and listening are essential. God works in mysterious ways.
Why was St. Francis de Sales so passionate about his message on speech? Because he knew how important it was for all of us to reach our destination, which is eternal life in heaven. Whether she realized it or not, the dear, patient nun at my Catholic school followed the teachings of a great saint and did her best to communicate an important life lesson to us. I think she would be proud that because of her wise, repetitive warnings, we didn’t end up as empty kettles!
Photo by Miryam León on Unsplash
