It ranks right up there with bathing suit shopping and root canals — just another necessary evil of life. And after a minor fiasco in the cookie aisle, I couldn’t put it off any longer. What’s proper etiquette for public bra adjustments when your arm comes down from grabbing Low Carb Snickerdoodles but your bra stays up near the Reduced Fat Chips Ahoy?
The Department store’s Certified Bra Fitter asked what size I currently wore, then laughed hysterically at my answer. “Oh honey, there’s no way you’re that big! Let me grab my tape measure.” As I looked around for the dressing room, I felt a tape measure wrap around me. In the middle of the department store. Across from Junior Casuals and next to Men’s Shoes.
She took four measurements before repeating the process three more times. She then leaned her weight on one foot, stuck her hand on her hip, tilted her head and squinted. I squinted back, “Is something wrong?”
“Looks like you’re in between sizes. Phyllis!” she yelled over the body shapers, “I’ve got an Inbetweener! Come help me.”
Phyllis and her cold fingers meandered over and measured … still right there across from Juniors and next to Men's Shoes. I caught a glance of who appeared to be my next door neighbor trying on a pair of Cole Hahn loafers when I heard Phyllis snort, “Humph.Who did you breastfeed?” emphasizing the “Who” and “you” like I was chief nursemaid to Godzilla and his 12 siblings.
“Humph.” (Phyllis appears to have sinus issues.) “Hey Nancy,” she shouted to the Junior’s Department clerk, “Got any of those padded training bras in stock?”
That afternoon I called an emergency meeting at the bus stop. (My neighbor walked by in his new loafers and winked.) Amy told me about a small lingerie shop across town. “It’s kind of pricey, but those ladies really know what they’re doing. Besides, there’s a great deli next door. I’ll drive.”
Off we went in search of the perfect turkey-cucumber-sprouts on lowcarb wheat and the perfect bra. The shop looked pretty, smelled pretty, and had no men in site. Amy ran interference between me in my dressing room and the perky young clerk on the floor.
Too tight. Too loose. Too sheer. Too skimpy. At Try On Number 6, Miss Perky looked at me and announced, “You’re uneven, aren’t you?”
“You mean mentally?”
“No, I mean, one side’s bigger than the other, right?”
“Is this a trick question? Do I get a discount on this $72 bra if I answer correctly?”
Miss Perky continued to comment on each fit —
“Nope, accentuates your under arm flab.”
“Turn around. No, accentuates your back flab.”
“Not enough lift.”
“Snow cone chest”
After the 17th ill fitting bra, I looked at Miss Perky and announced, “You haven’t breast fed, have you?”
Karen Rinehart is a syndicated newspaper columnist, public speaker, and creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. Her book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life, is a popular read in book clubs, school pick up lines, and soccer fields. She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan, and England. You can read more at www.busstopmommies.com. Karen lives in North Carolina with her two kids, two dogs, and one husband, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dogs at home.)
