If we are ever to cut the cord and set our wayward children free, we must insist that they become personally accountable for their actions. It is a painful kind of “letting go and letting God,” because tough love is never appreciated. When we do not give our children what they want or feel they need, it often takes a heavy toll on our relationship with them. They typically cannot understand our sudden change of heart — and we are not comfortable with it either. But we have come to realize that things are not improving for them. They are stuck in place and the most compassionate course of action becomes administering the tough love of setting them free.
So questions fill our minds. We're tormented by doubt. Were we enablers by having come to their rescue so many times in the past? Did we escort them to the point where they no longer recognize their problems as being their own fault? Have we failed in our responsibilities as parents? How do we handle the next call for money, and the one after that — the seemingly endless requests to bail them out of some new financial entanglement of their own making? If they have a family, will this new implementation of tough love bring suffering upon their spouses and children as well? Should we come to their rescue this one last time?
Usually the answer is no.
If we really want to help them, we need to stop packing our bags for this guilt trip. They are grown-ups now, and old enough to make the necessary adjustments. They are perfectly capable of earning a living and paying their own way — certainly we had to when we were their age.
So how far do we go with this? Well, we make sure they have food on the table. We take them food if necessary — giving them food money has proven itself not to work. If they will listen to us we try to make them understand that we are not failing them — they have messed up yet again, and will continue doing so unless they make some changes, starting now. Thankfully, there are instructions we can give them to help them begin helping themselves.
First, they need to invite God back into their lives. More than likely, the rocky road on which they've been traveling has led them away from God. They need to turn around and head back into his loving arms. Concurrent with this, they need to get appropriate counseling — financial, marriage or spiritual — or enter rehab or some other type of program that's needed to clear the decks and get themselves back on track. There are places even for those who cannot afford it. Finally, and perhaps most obviously, they need to get and keep a good job.
Is it wrong to cut the lifeline like this and set an irresponsible child adrift? I have learned from experience that it is not. How will their cycle of irresponsibility or destruction ever be broken if we fail to make this difficult choice? (If anyone ever figures out a scenario whereby irresponsible kids gain insight into their irrational behavior while we continue to bail them out, they need to write a book about it and hold seminars to teach the rest of us.)
If the only time you are hearing from your children is when they are in trouble, it is time to act. “We love you with all our hearts,” you need to tell them, “and we want you to be happy and have a good life. It is time you begin solving your own problems and experiencing the joy and sense of accomplishment that comes along with it. So we're not sending you money this time … or ever again. It may seem cruel to you right now, but before you know it you'll be standing on your own two feet, and then we'll be more proud of you than ever.”
Assure them in the following way: “We will pray for you every day that God will bless your efforts and give you strength and abundant graces to solve your problems and learn from your mistakes. And hopefully you will go on to become a faithful, happy, loving spouse and responsible parent. Our main concern is the salvation of your soul. We love you that much. So please don't look upon this as a negative thing. Recognize it as a sign of our great love for you, and a push toward healthy independence. We know you can do it.”
Then we make the sign of the cross and give them to God, knowing you may not hear from them again for some time. Hopefully, a happier time.
(Lorraine Mutschler, the mother of twelve, is a freelance writer and author of “What Doesn't Kill You — definitely makes you stronger”. You may reach her at lmutschler2@earthlink.net.)
