Tips for Parents of Love-Struck Teens



Ah, first love. Nothing is more intoxicating, and for the parent, more terrifying. Even the most sane grown-ups among us will catch themselves thinking, “What if my baby falls in love with someone named 'Slash' and they run-away together to join a coven?” Admit it. You've thought it. I know you have.

Let me reassure you. Most likely this nightmare will remain a dark figment of your parental imagination. But in case you're still nervous, consider the following tips for surviving the early dating years.

1) “Puppy Love” is Important. Please, Don't Tease.

As a way of dealing with our anxiety over our children's growing up, we often tease them about their relationships. Worse, we waste a lot of air lecturing them on how unimportant “this dating stuff” is. All we end up doing, of course, is alienating our kids. No one likes to have their concerns minimized, or their needs poked fun at, and teen-agers are especially sensitive to this. Engaging in too much of even the most good-natured kidding may eventually leave us wondering, “Why won't he talk to me anymore?”

As parents, we must remember that “puppy love relationships” are important – not just because our kids think they are, but because they serve an essential developmental function. They help our adolescents learn about themselves, their likes and dislikes, their strengths and weaknesses – in short, who they want to be when they grow up. Martin Buber said, “To be is to be in relation to others.” Your child is going to test this motto out to the max. Over the next few years, they will make friends with and date a wide (and sometimes strange) variety of people to help them clarify their own dreams, goals, and values. Your ability to be respectful of your teen's dating relationships will be the best way to encourage their willingness to confide in you and receive guidance from you.

2) Encourage Your Child's Well-Roundedness.

Let's face it, even the healthiest teen can get a little obsessive about a boyfriend or girlfriend from time to time. Though this is fairly normal, it is not desirable and we need to help our kids through it. What to do?

I find the best way to solve this problem is to spend much more time encouraging their involvement in other friendships, hobbies, community, church, or extra-curricular activities than discouraging the importance of their love-life. On the one hand, this approach benefits the parent because a busy kid has fewer opportunities to make stupid choices. On the other hand, it benefits your children because they will have more than just their relationships to live for.

This enables any teen to be more discriminating both about whom they go out with and what they do while they are out. Ideally, you want to get your child hooked into these activities while they are still pre-teens, but one way or another, the solution for the problem of a love-struck adolescent remains increasing the variety of opportunities to socialize, not merely decreasing the social outlet they are obsessed with.

3) Foster Your Own Relationship With Your Teen.

You want to give your teen advice, but your advice will not be accepted unless you have rapport with her, and the only way to maintain rapport is to spend time doing things together. Those coveted parent/child heart-to-hearts don't occur simply because they should, they occur when you least expect it, while you are doing yard work together, working on the car, hiking, going to concerts, anything.

Adolescents don't do well with structured, “let's share” time, but they will open up on their own terms, while engaged in some innocuous activity with a caring parent. Now, more than ever, your adolescent needs you to put in the time. Your effort will be rewarded with their confidence.

4) Give them the tools to find their own healthy answers.

No matter how cool we are as parents, sometimes our kids will not come to us with their concerns. But this does not mean we cannot still influence their choices. More important than supplying young Romeos and Juliets with answers is teaching them how to find the healthiest answers on their own. Books like Mary Beth Bonacci's Real Love are essential resources for the hapless parent of a love-struck teen. Give your son or daughter a book like this as a “just-because” present with a letter that tells them how proud you are of the young man or woman they are becoming.

Alternatively, if you or your child aren't into “mushy stuff,” simply leave the book in an obvious place (like the bathroom) where it can be consulted in privacy. Either way, you will be giving your young person an important message: that you support them in this exciting time of their lives and you care enough to give them the tools they need to make healthy choices.

5) Take Stock of Your Marriage.

Your adolescent would be loathe to admit it, but your marriage is going to be their special teacher over the next few years. They will be especially interested in how you and your mate deal with affection, conflict, and finding the balance between work, personal interests, and home-life. Take a cue from your kid. Use this time to get back in touch with your mate. Work on your romantic side. Develop deeper intimacy with your spouse. Show your kids what to expect – no, what to demand – from a relationship. Not just what to settle for.

In short, be calm, be available, be encouraging, be a good model, and most of all, be on your way. After all, little Margaret Mary (or John Paul) is waiting at the Cine-Plex for you-know-who.

Products

A Father Who Keeps His Promises, by Scott Hahn

10 Mistakes Catholic Parents Make, by Patrick Madrid

Like Father, Like Son, by Scott Hahn (audio)



Se sintió indefenso y pensó que se estaba muriendo.



To contact Mr. Popcak about marriage and family issues you may call (740) 266-6461 or visit his website at http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com)

Other Articles by Gregory Popcak

Five Secrets of Exceptional Fatherhood

Scaling the Marriage Mountain: Eight Ways to Happily Ever After

Discussion Forum

What are your techniques for sharing love and creating a paternal bond with your children?

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