(This article courtesy of the Arlington Catholic Herald.)
Priorities, however, are no simple thing. Every time-management model I’ve seen has you list priorities in a linear sequence. The list looks something like this: 1. God, 2. marriage, 3. children, 4. self, 5. work, 6. church, 7. friends.
We create these lists to help ourselves feel as if we are in control of the various facets of our lives. We try to put everything in its proper box and to manipulate our schedules in a linear fashion as if we could plug time management decisions into a flow chart. Again and again, we are frustrated by the system. Part of the problem is the linear paradigm.
Dr. Richard Swenson writes in Margin, “We cannot achieve balance by stacking our priorities one on top of another, even though this is a common practice. As Dr. Howard [advises], it fits better to think of God as central to everything and then build outward from that point. We do not love God, then spouse, then children, then self, then church. We love [them] all at the same time. Similarly, we do not love God 100 percent, spouse 95 percent, children 90 percent, church 80 percent. God’s standard requires that we love all of them, all the time.”
To further illustrate this point, consider the third item on the list. Which child goes first? The time will come when they need you at the same time. To commit to the priority list one child over another is ludicrous. But it is required by this paradigm. Of course, one child is not subsidiary to another. We love all of them, all the time. And each situation requires thought and prayer if we are to determine where God wants us to spend our time.
Swensen continues, “God has suspended the laws of mathematics in allowing love to expand infinitely. In so doing, He has delivered us from the need to prioritize our love sequentially.”
If we don’t prioritize our love, how do we plan our time? We strive for balance. We look at the whole. When children are involved, we look at each child’s commitments in light of his age, his abilities and his energy levels. Then, we look at how those commitments fit into the family as a whole. In a large family, even if each child has only one commitment, that’s many commitments for the parent to manage. We make decisions, not once, in a linear fashion, but as often as daily, about how individuals and the family as a whole spend their time. For single parents and parents of several children, geography and the logistics of transportation must play heavily into the decision making process. Prioritizing is anything but linear.
I had an opportunity last weekend to really test this theory. Four of my children had six competing activities between the hours of 8:30 and 1 p.m on Saturday. My husband had a 9 a.m. flight out of town. Taking into account the family unit as a whole and my very limited energy, I arranged for transportation for two of the activities, re-scheduled two of them, and concentrated my energy on the one activity which was right here in the neighborhood and would fulfill a promise made to my five-year-old daughter. I found most people willing to accommodate and re-schedule. One activity I declined. I kept in mind Swensen’s advice, “First and most important, balance cannot be achieved unless we are willing to say no.”
It is impossible in this space to explain the complexities of that day or of my “system” on that day or any other day. Much time and thought goes into the parenting of children. I strive for balance, pray for wisdom and do the very best I can. My children are home with me all day. In the afternoon, they have activities that call them into the world. I am always amazed, as I juggle the needs of my children, by the responses a large family draws in the community. I am amazed by the kindness of people who encourage me with the offer to lend a hand, bend a deadline, or share a ride. They help both my children and me to understand the value of community and of friendship. And I am dismayed when someone assumes that that I have not placed enough importance on one child’s activity or even on the child himself. They consider themselves able to be critics of the entire play when all they see is the third act. Saturday, I encountered both kinds of people.
What did I learn? I learned that managing a large family requires a deftness I will probably not attain in this life. I also learned that we should never endeavor to judge someone else’s prioritizing. We can’t possibly have the whole picture. It’s simple to remind someone, “It’s all a matter of priorities.” But it really isn’t. It’s a matter of balance. It’s a delicate dance to balance the needs of children. The complexity of that dance is something parents of several children and single parents know too well. Swensen writes, “Let’s beware of forcing our expectations upon our friends. Give them the freedom to maneuver within the complicated context of their own lives.” God knows we are working hard to please the Master of time and He understands our condition. It’s not for us to plan according to our neighbor’s paradigm, nor is it for our neighbor to judge our plan. I wonder how much kinder the world would be if instead of judging, we all offered to help instead.
