As a loving parent, do you find that you are still often angry with your children? Does their disrespect towards you or your spouse cause frustration? Doesn’t it seem sometimes that there must be some golden principle that you’re overlooking? Here are some ideas that will help you discipline both less and better, avoid bursts of anger, and raise happier, more obedient children.
As the third of fourteen children in a Catholic family, I witnessed a long line of child-rearing first-hand. My accumulated hours of baby-duty, as we called it at home, and the total number of diapers changed, exceeded that of the average mom before I reached the age of sixteen. Week after week the local parish congregation marveled both at our ability to fill two full pews during Sunday Mass and at the fact that we behaved ourselves without a peep during the entire Eucharistic Celebration.
For starters, it is important to understand that parents have the responsibility to educate their children in virtue. Young children invariably follow their feelings, unless guided by a loving adult. So obedience has to be the backbone of any further growth in virtue. Indeed, principles learned at home stay with us for a lifetime. Children who have been taught respect, obedience and self-control at home are overall nicer persons, get more out of life, and are able to develop the qualities of their personalities without having to first overcome bad habits formed in early youth.
In a society that praises pride, selfishness, and freedom without limits, training towards an objective good is often shunned, discipline is categorically denounced as “abuse,” and children at age three are encouraged to develop their own subjective views and beliefs. Though we face a barrage of cultural opposition, I firmly believe that many parents are eager to help their children become more obedient, respectful and self-disciplined. Here are a few ideas to help you achieve that goal.
Principle #1: Believe in Your Children
Children are capable of much more than we often believe. For instance, I know a mother who taught her infants simple sign language for “please,” “thank you”, “I'm hungry”, and “I need my diaper changed” before they could talk! To believe in your child means not depending on superior strength, like lugging a child around the house after it gets dark, but teaching them to obey on their own. Believing in your children means not putting the cookie jar out of reach, but rather teaching them that cookies are reserved for special moments. Believing in your children means not being afraid to ask them to obey the first time, instead of only expecting them to respond after you raise your voice. In a word, if you believe in your children, you will teach them to practice the habit of obedience, so that you can in turn instruct them in habits of virtue.
Principle #2: Teach Them to Obey Early
Most kids learn to ride a bike using training wheels. When they start to fall, they are simply tapped back into place by the small wheels added for balance. In the same way, well before the reaching the age of reason, a child is capable of learning basic principles of obedience to what parents say, how to control passions, and how to show respect towards others. For example a child can learn how to take a nap without fussing, how to come when Mom or Dad calls, or how not to grab a hot bowl of soup. For an infant, a simple word and a one-finger tap on the hand repeated gently will teach an essential lesson. They will begin to connect your voice with a natural reaction to obey. Within a few moments, Mom can sit casually without having to wrestle with groping hands or move the dangerous object yards away. Initially the infant may not even connect the slight pain as coming from you. The idea is to teach them a habitual obedience early, so that virtue can be built upon it. Obedience should be based on principle and on your soft command, not on anger, physical strength, or a raised voice.
Principle #3: Promptness and Constancy
One frequently sees a parent ask something of a child and then allow the child to disobey. Take the typical scene with the ball on the shelf of the grocery store: “Johnny, don't touch that… Put that down… Johnny, give me the ball… Johnny… did you hear what I said? Do you want a spanking? Now put that down!” In cases like this, Johnny has been consistently taught not to obey the first or even the fifth time, but only after Mommy is red with anger, or at least has raised her voice. If Mommy punished disobedience after the first infraction, Johnny would always obey the first time. Johnny would be happier and Mommy would not get angry. Every time we ignore an offence, we teach children that we don't expect any better. Rewarding wrongdoing calmly and consistently with immediate attention is the most effective. Your children will soon realize that you are not giving them ten chances to do evil before you really want them to obey. Try this consistently for a week or so, and you will soon find that your children are very happy to obey the first time.
I admit that, in the heat of the moment, it is often easier to yank the child into the house, or put the cookie jar in a locked closet, or wrench the ball out of Johnny's hand. But that only shows that physical force or superior intelligence is the basis of “good behavior”. Your attention to your children in these moments endures a lifetime and is the true thermometer of your love for them.
The goal should not be to childproof your house, but to house-proof your child; not only to keep vices out of your child's life, but more importantly to vice-proof your children for the future!
( Br. Nathan Miller, LC is a Brother with the Legionaries of Christ studying in Rome.)