Why would I want to moisturize my arm pits? Isn’t the whole point of wearing antiperspirant to stay dry? The folks at Dove say I should, with their Moisturizing Antiperspirant/Deodorant. According to Mr. Cascade, I should also purchase some dishwasher cleaner.
I’m supposed to pay money for a product to put into a highly engineered, expensive piece of machinery whose sole purpose is to CLEAN things? I’m supposed to wash my dish-washer? While I’m at it, should I wash my clothes washing machine? Oh my gosh — perhaps all these years of domestic bliss I was supposed to be drying out my clothes dryer? No wonder they only seem to last five years anymore.
Remember those Minute Rice commercials from the 1970s? They seemed to tell housewives cooking rice was far more daunting than changing the oil in her station wagon. Okay, someone, anyone, please tell me — What is so hard about cooking rice? And don’t I want it to be kind of sticky and clumpy? Sure makes it easier to eat with a fork and for the dogs to lick up off the floor.
What happened to recess? When I was a substitute teacher, I wanted my students to run themselves silly on the playground so they’d be good and tired and sit still at their desks. And what’s with Quiet Lunches? It’s simply abnormal to ask children, who are required to listen quietly to the teacher all day, to sit quietly in the lunchroom. Let them get it out of their systems! Besides, my children’s lunchtime conversations tend to yield highly informative, not to mention entertaining dinner time and bus stop conversations. You’d be amazed over the fifth grade discourse on milk expiration dates. Truly.
Why am I paying to find Jimmy Hoffa’s body? If those guys want a great find, they can come to my house. No barn demolition required and a guarantee to unearth stuff more scary or worthwhile than an old teamster’s bones.
The pretty color ad says my “feet will feel 20 years younger” with their “ultra thick anti-aging cushioning” Anti-Aging Spa Slippers. These fine folks swear, “If your feet feel good, your body will too!” Forget my feet, I wonder if I can wrap the “adjustable touch closure for a custom fit every time” slipper around my face.
Besides the minor detail of containing cold air, the true beauty of solid refrigerator doors is how they hide the unidentifiables contained within and hold kid art outside. So I should pay $4000 for a glass front frig?
I don’t understand the care instructions on my new swimsuit, “Line Dry in Shade.” It’s a swimsuit. To be worn in the sun. To be gotten wet, then dried, then wet again while poolside in the sun. Not shade.
Oooh, I’m so confused my head hurts. Maybe there’s a headache medicine requiring application directly to the pained area with a good swift slap.
Karen Rinehart is a syndicated newspaper columnist, public speaker, and creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. Her book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life, is a popular read in book clubs, school pick up lines, and soccer fields. She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan, and England. You can read more at BusStopMommies.com. Karen lives in North Carolina with her two kids, two dogs, and one husband, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dogs at home.)
