The Red Tape of Charity

Back when my four children were four and under and when three of them were in diapers, my husband lost his job.

This hadn't been the first time we'd been faced with such a problem, but I was in the throes of major post-partum depression as we'd almost lost our fourth child and the criticism of having four children was really getting to me. Most of the protests against our having four children came from strangers at the grocery store but some of the loudest and most painful stings were from various family members.

When we got the news that Big Daddy no longer had a job and shared it with these family members (the rumors about this industry sinking were everywhere), the stings became even more piercing. Thankfully, these "supporters of our lifestyle" resided out of town and our contact with them was extremely limite — but those stings were nevertheless still felt.

Here in the city in which we live, there is a large food bank. It's not just a food bank, but offers various services. I had donated to this food bank several times in the years leading up to our lay-off…toys, clothes…so when I needed help, I thought, "I'll go ask them."

 One day, during the lay-off, money was tight and we needed diapers. We just weren't going to make it until the unemployment check came, so I packed the kids up in the car and drove there. Entering the building, I walked up to the window. The looks of the staff at me and my brood were incredulous. They felt like worms — sticky worms — crawling up my back and over my shoulders.

Telling them my story, I asked for a package of diapers.

One package.

That's all.

Shoving forms at me, I was told that I would have to fill these out, come back for a meeting and that my kids could be put in the daycare while I had my meeting to determine my need and my employment possibilities.

It was then that I told them that I was not coming back so I could put my children in their daycare so that they could determine my need and employment possibilities. By the time this would happen, our unemployment check would have come and I could buy the diapers I so desperately needed.

Not knowing what do, the 22ish-year-old-young-lady fresh from social-worker school came in. She'd been summoned by her staff who didn't know how to handle a woman with 4 babies who needed one package of diapers.

When she gave me their spiel again, I reiterated my position. I was not coming back and they needed to give me one package of diapers.

As I waited in tears for the next 15 minutes — and tried to hide my tears from my children — they convened to figure out if they could give me that one package of diapers. Was that really going to set them back? Could they not think outside of the box and see the need or were they so accustomed to being lied to that they had already been jaded?

She came back in with the diapers.

I gathered my children and felt like I had just been through an Olympic event. I mean the red tape of charity was so thick! While I understood procedures had to be in place to prevent abuse, it was made very clear to me how people get stuck in cultural norms and inside-the-box-thinking.

So, my husband was laid-off and we needed some temporary help. Was the answer really to put my kids in day-care and go to work? Questions swirled inside my head, "Is breaking up the family really the best way to solve these problems? Is that all that can be offered to those in need? There has to be a better way!"

For our family, my husband and I didn't think that me going back to work — and putting our kids in daycare — was the right solution. We simply needed some assistance during this time — once.

During that season of lay-off, my husband was out of work for a total of four months before he was able to find another job. Yes, we struggled, yes, we fought. We fought to keep our family together in a time when babies need their mothers the most and sadly, we had to fight the red tape of charity for one package of diapers.

Yep, you read that right.

Just one.

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