I admit it; I am an idealist. But I must also admit that my idea of an ideal life has changed — drastically. God, in His permissive will, has been busy “pruning” me and has seen to this.
There was a time when, in the eyes of many in our community, we had “the perfect life.” My husband and I shared an active faith life. He was already the Director of Faith Formation at a local Catholic parish when he became the Parish Administrator as well. We taught NFP and parenting classes and were one of the first Catholic families in our state to home educate our children. We took our children (willingly, most of the time) to Mass with us at 6:45 a.m. every week day and had daily family prayer. In addition to receiving a well-rounded education, our four children were quickly becoming accomplished musicians and were decorated 4-H members, taking home trophies in bread baking, public speaking and many other categories. Our children were intelligent, healthy and responsible, and they were embracing the truths of their faith more fully every day. While we certainly had many of the same struggles that most growing families encounter, for the most part we led a quiet, serene life. But as the Scriptures tell us, God often comes to us as a thief in the night and unless we are rooted in our walk with Him, we might get swept away.
My children will attest to the fact that my mantra for years has been, “Loving God is easy, but trusting Him is much harder.” As my “perfect life” began to unravel recently, I had to make the daily choice not only to love the Lord, but to trust Him as well. And I believe that my faith was given to me by God because He knew the trauma that lay in my path.
Last June, my husband of 29 years and I were divorced. It was certainly not what I wanted, and I tried repeatedly to talk my husband out of it. But since no-fault divorce is the rule of the land, I had no say in the matter. It left my children and me in great pain. My youngest child spent a week in an adolescent psychiatric unit as he had contemplated suicide. My eldest left the Church. The divorce cost me over $25,000, which, as a full-time homemaker, I had to borrow at interest. Through… (how to put this?…) “misinformation” given to a child custody investigator, my husband was awarded custody of our sixteen-year-old son. As a result, I lost not only custody of my son but the home in which the children and I were living and in the process of purchasing.
I also received a call last spring letting me know that my mother’s health was quickly deteriorating. She had begun a battle against colon cancer the previous Christmas. I was on my way to visit my mother this past June when I learned that my 21-year-old daughter had been raped by an international student from her Catholic college. And the rape resulted in conception. Days later, rather than relocating to live near my son who was now with his father, I pointed the moving van in the opposite direction to help my young daughter in her time of need.
But the “pruning” didn’t end there. While moving to another state to help my pregnant daughter, I managed to sustain a very serious back injury; I compressed three vertebrae, ruptured three discs and ended up in constant pain and barely able to walk for over seven weeks. Unbeknownst to me, the day the divorce was finalized (and one has no idea when this will happen, as it depends on the judge’s schedule) I was kicked off the family insurance policy. In addition to these major traumas, my children and I sustained more than our share of daily setbacks as well. My son broke his wrist 15 minutes into his first football game and one of my daughters needed stitches on her face because her music stand malfunctioned in band class. Every time another hardship seemed to come out of nowhere, I cried out to the Lord louder and longer, “Sustain me in your grace, Dear Jesus, and help me really to trust You!”
In January, my first grandchild (and my mother’s first great-grandchild) was born. I was there to help catch her and she is beautiful beyond all words. God’s radical grace has truly been manifested through her. While she is a source of endless joy for both her mother and me, there are still challenges in our lives. Through a series of events beyond our control, my daughter, her newborn baby, and I have lived in five different places since January. Despite returning to school and earning my Master’s degree this past December, I have not yet found full-time employment. I want to give my daughter at least nine months off from work and school to breastfeed and bond with her baby, but it does not seem that I am beyond what I call “my Job mode” as of yet. I joke that my one consolation is that I am nearly finished with my “purgatory time” already.
So, do I still have a “perfect life?” In the eyes of those around, no, I do not. My life has been and continues to be fraught with pain, difficulties and trauma. But in God’s eyes, my life is perfect. It is perfect because my faith is growing stronger with each new cross that comes my way. It is perfect in that He has given me numerous opportunities to trust Him as never before. It is perfect in the sense that I can still avail myself of the most perfect gift available to anyone for the asking, that of Jesus Christ himself, under the humble appearances of bread and wine at daily Mass. So, in this sense, my life is now more perfect than ever before! Christ Himself is making me ever more fully into His image and likeness by allowing me to suffer, and thereby giving me an unprecedented opportunity to turn to Him.
“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, grace me to yield to the plans You have for me, despite the pain they may cause me, for I trust that it is through these very trials that I will be drawn closer to You.”
