You know the one. It arrives the day after Thanksgiving. The envelope is double foil lined, the picture of the kids resembles a Gap ad, and the Holiday Letter should come with a warning: "Caution! May cause blurred vision, severe feelings of gross inadequacies and nausea. Do not drive motor vehicle or operate heavy machinery while reading this letter. See your doctor if symptoms worsen or you have the sudden urge to go on a Chocolate Binge."
Dear every one of you 892 Recipients of this letter–
Whew! What a year in the Rinehart Household!
In lieu of my annual January Spa Getaway, six fellow Bus Stop Mommies and I schlepped our Louis Vuitton luggage to Atlanta to audition for American Idol. What a thrilling experience-sleeping on the sidewalk outside the coliseum with throngs of humanity-priceless!
We all went to the spa in February instead.
Junior skipped his Senior Class Spring Break trip to Maui for an internship in NYC. Good thing Cook taught him on to prepare the perfect cappuccino. The Donald likes a good frothy foam on his.
In May we celebrated little Johnny's 8th birthday. Like last year, he insisted instead of gifts, all party guests should bring canned goods and blankets for the homeless shelter.
June brought Junior's graduation from, We're Smarter Than You Academy for Over Achievers. He was Class Salute Victorian, plus, elected by his classmates to give the class speech, sing the class song and be the first to flip his tassel.
I spent July laboriously preparing Junior and his belongings for his two-year stint in the Peace Corps. He insisted he wouldn't need his lacrosse stick, but it fit in his ski case so I thought, what the hey?
In late August, Buffy exceeded her required number of Church and Civitan service hours by planting 10,000 tulip bulbs in the gardens of the local VA retirement home.
Out of respect for Junior currently coexisting in a much humbler part of the world, we broke tradition by skipping our annual Labor Day BBQ and Scrabble Tournament in Kennebunkport. Camp David suited us just fine.
Instead of Trick or Treating, Johnny led his Cub Scout pack in collecting food and toiletries for the battered women's shelter.
November saw the Academy Homecoming come and go. Buffy was crowned Queen but having won twice before, passed the crown on to an academically gifted girl with unfortunate hair.
And here we are…December again! Scottiepoo and I are humbled our children's lists for Santa are again selfless and brief – Flights to Zimbabwe to visit Junior, an end to domestic violence and world peace.
We hope this letter finds you happy. Do come see us if your travels bring you this way. The doormat at the gates of our guest chateau says, "Welcome" and we mean it!
God Bless Us Everyone, Kiki, Scottiepoo, Junior, Buffy and Johnny.
