The priest who prepared my wife and me for marriage told us that the score on our compatibility test was the lowest he had ever seen. He advised (strongly) that we not get married.
It was five years into our marriage that I began to believe him.
My wife, Kim, after having a miscarriage, gave birth to our first three daughters over the course of three years. Our third daughter, Anna Marie, due to nurse neglect, suffered a hypoxic event causing significant brain injury.
Kim’s postpartum was marked by severe anxiety and depression due to Anna Marie nearly dying on three different occasions. Because I was with Anna Marie at the hospital, making critical decisions for her, I lost my job.
We had $200. To say that we lived below the poverty line is an understatement.
Our marriage began to crumble. We were drifting. Actually, we were sailing speedily in opposite directions. This was not the marriage I had hoped for.
I began to take mental notes of the many and varied ways that Kim was not meeting my needs. Eventually, I suggested that the two of us have an open conversation wherein we would discuss our hopes for our marriage. I brought my yellow legal pad to the “meeting.” “Legal” says it all.
My mindset was that we were going to court, and I would lay out my bulletproof argument for how Kim could be a better wife.
While sharing my litany of grievances against her, she commented sarcastically that I would not want to see her list.
Infuriated, I taunted her, daring her to share it.
As she blasted away, I had the revelation that until that moment I was only seeing our marriage from my vantage point. I had neglected to understand that there was another person in this marriage who had legitimate needs.
I wish that I could say that things magically became better. In fact, tensions only increased, and so did the distance.
Our parish was hosting a Eucharistic praise and worship Holy Hour. We decided to attend the event in hopes of receiving a miraculous breakthrough. Minutes before leaving for the event, we had another explosive argument. We attended the Holy Hour while fuming and casting disdainful glances at one another. So much for “holy.”
I despise sappy Christian pop and praise music. But that is what they were playing that night. Yet, the words from one of the songs, “I’m lost without You…I’m desperate for You,” cut deeply into my hardened heart.
I felt pathetic. I could barely fight back my emotional blubbering. I looked at my wife, and she looked at me.
This time, not glaring, but surrendering…to one another. Without words, we both knew what the other was saying. We were desperate for God and lost without Him, but also desperate for one another and lost without one another.
Kim and I dated on and off for seven years before getting married. I had lost her once (maybe twice), but I could not lose her again. I decided to stop trying to determine how she could change to make my life better and instead focus on how I could change to make her and our life better.
Eventually, I began to notice her needs, wants, and desires.
We both discovered that the number one cause of divorce is not finances, poor communication, infidelity, children, or Instagram and Facebook…it is selfishness.
Along the way, Kim and I learned the three things that successful couples do:
- Couples identify and understand their own and their spouse’s core needs.
- Couples communicate those needs to their spouse without blaming, accusing, or guilting.
- Spouses give one another the space to address one another’s needs creatively.
When we are selfish, we neglect our spouse’s needs. Marriages fail when couples neglect to address one another’s core needs.
As Kim and I attempted to understand one another’s needs, our conversations would become heated and inevitably lead to one of us stomping away, slamming a door, or giving the other the silent treatment.
But we refused to surrender the cause. We continued to pursue one another. Yet, we felt that we were missing something. And we were.
We thought that we had the same needs and desires. We could not have been further from the truth. We discovered that her needs were not the same as mine. Nor were my needs the same as hers.
We discovered that typically (not always) men and women have four complementary needs.
His: To be Respected, Believed In Hers: To be Secure in His Love
His: Her Beauty Hers: His Strength
His: Physical Intimacy Hers: His Closeness
His: Partner in the Mission Hers: His Spiritual Leadership
His needs complement and complete her needs. Her needs complement and complete his needs. The two attempt to address one another’s needs by giving to them what they don’t already possess.
This is God’s incredible design for marriage. God designed two people, who are not self-sufficient, to have needs that the other can address. And when a couple addresses one another’s needs, without asking, blaming, accusing, or guilting, they feel loved.
Notice that I said “address” and not satisfy. No spouse can satisfy their partner. Only God can.
Knowing, understanding, and addressing one another’s needs, without quid pro quo, was the key to salvaging our marriage, liberating us from selfishness and unlocking joy, intimacy, and trust within our marriage.
For this reason, we wrote The Marriage Gap. We believe very strongly that this framework of his and her needs can not only save marriages but also help couples love their marriage and one another.
Editor’s Note: For more on how to better understand and complement your spouse, read Kim and Devin Schadt’s new release, The Marriage Gap: How to Understand, Communicate, and Meet Your Spouse’s 4 Deepest Needs, available from Sophia Institute Press.
Photo by Jeremy Wong Weddings on Unsplash
