“Mom, you sounded just like Grandma when you did that.” Either my skin turned three shades of green or my scowl busted through my Botox because my daughter started backpedaling with vengeance — “uh, er I mean in a good way… you know, like when Grandma is concentrating on Scrabble, um er uh or contemplating butter pecan vs. vanilla ice cream… or on a good day when Grandpa leaves for a three hour shopping excursion to Costco and… I have homework to do bye!”
Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have gotten disturbed at the comparison, but it was fun to see my teenage daughter squirm for a change. And I can’t deny what she heard — the dreaded Maternal Sigh. That involuntary semi vocalized gust of exhale we inherited from our mothers and their mothers before them — the way all good, bad or ugly Maternal Traits are passed on.
I figure if it’s inevitable, instead of letting The Sigh make me feel old before my time, I’ll use it to my advantage (remember the squirming teenager?) and you should too. Get out your Mommy Manual, turn to chapter 3, “Maternal Tools and Talents” and follow along with me. Unless of course your Mommy Manual is currently weighing down a pile of white paper towels on top of the latest sippy cup explosion on the new carpet… in which case, just read, clip and hang on the frig for future reference.
The Maternal Sigh: When to Use
Example One: “I wanna go first!”
“No, I wanna go first!”
“You went first yesterday!”
“Did not! You always go first!”
(siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh)
Example Two: Teenage son burps out loud and long without saying “Excuse Me” despite 16 years of explicit training by you, his mother. (siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh)
Reinforcement to Standard Issue Maternal Sigh
Not that The Sigh alone is ineffective, but some slow-to-comprehend-children require Maternal Visual Aids. In these cases, use one or a combination of one or more of the following:
Hands on hips, roll eyes, throw down to floor whatever you are currently holding — cookbook, knitting, checkbook, dog bowl. Never ever throw your glass of wine, pet or small child. Be absolutely sure before you throw something breakable, as you’ll be the only one around to clean it up.
Floor throwing should be followed by Maternal Hands On Hips or Maternal Hands To Ceiling. Keep in mind, the Hands To Ceiling move must be used in conjunction with a Classic Maternal Phrase (Chapter 4) like, “That’s it!” or “How many times have I told you….?”
Potential Side Effects
As beneficial a tool the Maternal Sigh can be, it has its potential side effects, including, but not limited to, a strong déjà vu chill — inducing moment of Maternal Revenge Phenomena. This revelation should soon become overshadowed by your children’s immediate cessation of undesirable action and acquired undivided attention.
They’ll be too busy staring at you trying to find a nice way to say you sound just like Grandma.
Karen Rinehart is a syndicated newspaper columnist, public speaker, and creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. Her book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life, is a popular read in book clubs, school pick up lines, and soccer fields. She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan, and England. You can read more at BusStopMommies.com. Karen lives in North Carolina with her two kids, two dogs, and one husband, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dogs at home.)
