You'd think I'd be satisfied simply being a loser in my children's aging minds, but no, I want to be an even bigger loser. Hollywood style.
Have you heard about the goody bags that Oscar attendees receive? Businesses and designers fight and pay big for the right to provide party favors for attendees. It doesn't matter that these people already make zillions of dollars and never lose an ounce of sleep over how to pay their kid's braces or piano lessons. If it's free, give 'em three.
Like all little girls, I had my big dreams of what I'd be or do when I grew up. One of them was to play the piano on the theme song for the Mary Tyler Moore show. Another was to be a famous actress, complete with all the glamour, five-inch stilettos and trophies. I could see myself walking the red carpet, waving to adoring fans and making the most quoted acceptance speech in Hollywood history.
“I'd like to thank the academy, my family, producer, hairdresser, and most of all, Betty Crocker.”
In my little girl mind, losing was not an option. Today, I'd take the stigma and disappointment in a heartbeat. This year's Oscar Loser Bag contained $7000 worth of gifts, including a pair of Vera Wang sunglasses ($150), a digital pen that remembers and organizes everything you write with it ($200), a gift certificate for Lasik surgery ($4000) and mink-lined slippers.
Since so many of those actors and actresses are anti-fur, I could go home with a few extra pair for my family and friends. “Hey Meg, you're not really gong to wear those slippers after last month's protest rally are you? Can I have 'em? Thanks!”
Oh, and the gift “bag” is not the kind I buy at the Dollar Tree and stuff with tissue paper for tape-free gift wrapping. It's a $500 piece of Burberry luggage.
I'd love to be a loser at the Grammys too. This past February, participants received gifts worth $21,000. Besides the traditional “basket,” celebrities “shopped” in the Gift Lounge — a room stocked with free goodies provided by vendors hoping stars will be seen in public wearing their $500 Stetson hat or $300 wireless headsets.
I wish I could've been a fly on the wall to see who took what. Did Faith Hill grab a few Mattel My Scene dolls for her daughters? I wonder which smoothie-drinking stars went for the $150 Sunbeam blender? Celebrities could time the length of acceptance speeches with $525 watches and take photos with $130 digital cameras. Would they lower themselves to carry around a The Sak purse that retails for only $58? Or take the free stay at the Fairmont Miramar Hotel only worth $1500?
But what I really want to know is who among that smiling group of capped, bonded, and bleached teeth still needed the $600 gift certificate from BriteSmile. And do they want to trade it for a pair of mink-lined slippers?
Karen Rinehart is a magazine humor columnist, public speaker and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies, a newspaper. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
