It’s happening again. We have to say “goodbye” to one of our little babies before we get the chance to say “hello”! The first miscarriage was a little over two years ago. Our Lucy and Aloysius were gone before we even realized that God had answered our prayer — a prayer for twins. We were crushed, to say the least, but managed to find blessings among the tears.
We learned of Mary Kolbe Harrison’s existence on Christmas Eve, 2009. We were “open to life,” as always, but realized that with me at age 42 our chances of a typical pregnancy were rapidly declining. We thank God that Joseph, our 17-month-old, had an uneventful pregnancy after the loss of our twins. But this entire pregnancy was plagued with doubt, low lab values, and feeling just a little “too good”. (Yes, feeling sick in pregnancy is a very good thing!) On a hunch that things were awry, we snuck a peek on ultrasound at the baby. We saw her beautiful heart beating at 7 weeks: an image forever burned into my head. A few days later, however, I had a dream of her being lifted away from me, and as she was going up and away, she was saying in an ever so sweet voice, “Bye, Mommy! Bye, Mommy! I love you!” The dreams from angels to prepare our hearts… God is indeed merciful to such a weak person!
At 10 weeks I miscarried her.
We wonder, “Why do we feel so sad when we have 7 wonderful children at home?” I must confess I do find extreme comfort in the hugs of our children as I mourn Mary’s passing and as I hold our 17-month-old baby in my aching arms.
The children asked me why Jesus did not answer our prayers. (Isn’t it funny how kids throw these zinger questions at you while doing such mundane chores as loading the dishwasher?) We discuss how God answers prayers and His big plan, how He is able to see the future, and sometimes allows bad things to happen to avert disasters, or drive us to our knees… to keep us needing Him. All the selfishness in me wanted to run and hide somewhere, not answer deep theological questions — certainly not have to play like I know God’s mind or even trusted Him right then. For a brief moment I wanted to wallow in my own self pity, but such is not a luxury easily afforded to mothers.
As younger parents, Matt and I always wanted a large family, though I honestly never craved motherhood. After losing the twins, something changed. I yearned to hold a little baby again. I longed to feel the graces given by God to a mother for sharing in His ability to be a vessel for life. What a privilege. What an incredible honor.
We have always said, “Our kids are the only things we can take with us to Heaven,” but that saying now has a different meaning to me. I really understand to what parents are called. Parenthood, no matter how brief it may last, is an opportunity to “die to self”. To continually put one’s self last, after the needs of another. It is a call to holiness of an extreme degree, even though it lacks the “glory” other vocations may contain. The perpetual sleeplessness; the constant giving of self; the need to rise above the selfish habits we hold onto so tightly – and all for what? So we can sacrifice once again for another. These are the daily acts of love that make this vocation such a challenge and yet, such a blessing.
What a legacy! One day, when we stand before Our Lord, He will ask, “And what did you do to serve?” We parents can point to these little people and show him the labors of our love.
“I say that we must neither ask anything nor refuse anything, but leave ourselves absolutely in the arms of divine Providence, without busying ourselves with any desires, except to will what God wills for us” — St. Francis de Sales.
Certainly St. Francis de Sales has placed the ideal before us, but to pretend we did not beg our Lord for Mary’s life would be a lie. I suppose one of the largest blessings to be taken from this is the chance to fully submit to the will of God and his Divine pleasure. It is a chance to “die to self” once again and allow Him to decide what is best for our family and our children. Christ is being Simon of Cyrene to me today — bearing the full weight of this cross that is too much for me to bear alone. His grace is sufficient, I truly believe. And He receives all the glory for any good that comes from this. What else but glory can come to Him from this? He gives life and takes it away, as He sees fit. Do we dare stand and shake a fist at a mighty Lord who has created this eternal soul to worship Him for eternity?
The purpose of little Mary Kolbe’s brief life has yet to be revealed. As God knows one thing is for certain: her life did have a purpose. The hopes and dreams we had for her will not come to pass on this earth, but I fully believe Mary, Lucy and Aloysius are waiting for us in Heaven, holding spots for us at the banquet table of Our Lord. We trust in a sovereign Lord that loves each of us passionately and knows His plan for each little life.
I thank God for the opportunity to be a mother to Mary Kolbe for mere weeks. I rejoice in the thought that all she knew in her life on earth was the warmth and love of my womb. And that upon the first opening of her eyes, she beheld the glory of the Father, the beautiful face of Jesus, the Saints, a host of angels surrounding her and her siblings… all rejoicing because she arrived!
