All the marriage books and articles in the world could fill entire libraries with endless volumes. With happy and healthy marriages becoming increasingly rare, it can be difficult to know where to look to learn how to build a solid marriage.
Fortunately, the most popular book on earth happens to be about a marriage. The main character is a husband who loves His wife dearly. In fact, He’s the greatest husband to ever live, a perfect role model to imitate.
Scripture treats God’s covenant with His people as a kind of marriage. The entire Bible presents a story of a Bridegroom pursuing His bride. From the moment after the Fall, God pursues His beloved people. When Israel turns to idolatry, it is equated with adultery (Hos. 2:2, Ezek. 16:32). The New Testament then portrays Christ as the heavenly bridegroom (Mt. 9:15), and His Church as His bride, culminating in the Marriage Supper of the Lamb (Rev. 19:9).
We can look at how Christ acts to understand how a husband should treat his wife, and the Church’s faithful response to Christ to understand how wives should love their husbands.
Love
Our Lord’s love for us is persistent. He reaches out to us first and continues to be open to us when we deny Him and abandon Him. He is always willing to restore our broken relationship and will forgive us an unlimited number of times. St. Paul instructs husbands to “love your wives as Christ loved the Church” (Eph. 5:25). This is why St. John Chrysostom tells husbands to continue loving their wives regardless of whether that love is returned. That could mean anything from forgiving his wife for repeated mistakes to continuing to pray for her soul if she is unfaithful.
Likewise, the Church is required to be faithful and devoted to Christ, her bridegroom. She is asked to be faithful to Him even when the circumstances are difficult. She is to defend Him and always be open to His love.
Humility
Christ humbled Himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross (Phil. 2:8). Our Lord’s intense humility is something that deserves repeated meditation. In John 13, Jesus sets an example by washing the feet of His disciples. This was scandalous, and indeed Peter was scandalized, since a master washing the feet of his disciples would be considered humiliating. And yet Jesus did it anyway, while still affirming Himself as Lord (Jn. 13:13).
A husband ought to imitate Christ by refusing to act as if any act of love is beneath him. He should never think, “that’s not my job.” Whether this means washing a pile of dishes or changing a few diapers, he should never see this as something he is above doing.
Likewise, we see Peter scandalized and refusing to allow Christ to wash his feet, only to be rebuked. “If I do not wash you, you have no part in me” (Jn. 13:8). Humility is not only lowering yourself to serve others, but being open to receiving love and sacrifice from others. Additionally, Christ tells the apostles to wash one another’s feet (Jn. 13:14), reminding us to spread that humble love to others around us as well.
Forgiveness
How often does God forgive us when we sin against Him? How frequently does He tolerate habitual venial sins that we may fail to repent for? How many times does He welcome us back into communion after committing yet another mortal sin?
The Bridegroom continues to forgive the bride when she genuinely repents. He never grows weary of extending forgiveness whenever He sees a contrite heart.
This is perhaps one of the hardest teachings to practice, but Our Lord insists on it. He says that we must forgive our brother continuously (Mt. 18:21-22). This means husbands and wives must show continual forgiveness to one another, even when it is difficult, and to open our hearts to an honest apology. Our Lord knows what it is like to have an imperfect spouse.
Sacrifice
The cross was an act of sacrifice by the Bridegroom for His bride (Eph. 5:25). It was not just any sacrifice, but the single ultimate sacrifice. Homilies on marriage frequently advise spouses to look to the cross.
Marriage has its fun, romantic, and exciting moments. But it also has its weary, frustrating, and depressing moments. In these latter cases, spouses are to look to the cross. Husbands are tasked explicitly by St. Paul to love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Eph. 5:25), and the bride of Christ has a sea of martyrs who gave their lives rather than deny Christ. We are called to give our entire lives completely to our spouse, without reservation.
This is what marriage means, and why Pope St. Paul VI affirmed that in marriage, “love ceases to be a purely voluntary affection and becomes a binding duty.” Christ’s love for us never wavers, even when our commitment to Him falters.
While so many influencers are offering alternative frameworks and guidelines for getting the most out of a marriage (or rejecting it entirely in favor of temporary relationships), scripture tells us the story of the perfect marriage. Anyone who has never been given a solid example of a wonderful marriage can always look to the Holy Scriptures as the perfect manual for marriage.
Photo by Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash
