Living and Dying at the Same Time
But don't be alarmed or misunderstand. I have not been given any dread diagnosis; I simply see the dying aspect of my life. If you also have cared for the terminally ill, you have been forced to confront your own attitudes toward death, the dying of others, and your own mortality.
Depending upon your perspective, all of this life can be understood as one continuous dying process or as one continuous living process.
However, most prefer to live their lives without thinking about the end, without thinking about any of this at all. They do everything to avoid confronting their mortality and are not even aware that they put up mental roadblocks to any reminder of their own mortality. It's something like people insisting on seeing the cup half full, knowing that it's only “half” of the cup, yet refusing to acknowledge that there even is a half of a cup that could possibly be empty.
Those who have been given the gift of seeing their dying see the cup of life simultaneously as both living and dying.
Clearly, our lifespans are limited, and as the sands of time pass away, death approaches. Most prefer to live in the delusion that death, for all practical purposes, simply does not exist in their world. However, as we age, we do think about it more — a lot more. We can't help it. At first you don't talk about it, but you think about it.
Perhaps it has to do with one's stage of life. People you don't know die. And people you know die. In the beginning, most often they're older, then increasingly they're the same age, or younger, and death stubbornly, forcefully, intrudes into our consciousness making us painfully aware that the end of our run will eventually come.
Whether you think about it as “living” or “dying,” is there really any difference in this time that bridges the space between birth and death? Don't all of us share with the terminally ill this common end? Have you really thought about it? The concept of “dying” simply includes the recognition that death awaits all of us in the end.
Yes, modern health care's advances have helped many people to live healthier and to live longer. Death is put off long enough that the young and relatively healthy can talk themselves into believing (or acting as if they believe) that death will never touch them. But the not so young and not so healthy can talk themselves only momentarily into forgetting that they are vulnerable. They know!
If I insisted that you are dying, you might find it hard to accept, so strong is your aversion to really seeing this truth. Oh, I could get you to admit that theoretically all of us die, and theoretically you will die “someday,” but you might not see your approaching death as a reality. Sure, you can accept that others will die… but you? If you don’t feel your approaching death as a reality, you won't be urgently, intensely, aware of the waning time left… for you.
Many choose to lose themselves in their own apparent strength, the enjoyments of this life, the acquisitions to be made, the power they can amass in their world, and youth — for as long as that lasts. They obsessively and futilely attempt to suppress even the slightest recognition of their own aging, encroaching weakness, loss, and death.
Needing and Giving
Yet we will all suffer losses, grow old and need the help of those who are more able. We will need others to give of their time, energy, and skills to meet our needs. That is a reality from which most recoil and seek to escape.
Oh, I understand. We wouldn't want to think of ourselves as needing anyone's help, let alone needing help with the most basic activities of life. But we will have this need, and then who is it that will help us? If we do not now help others, who will be there for those in need? For us when our time comes?
You see there are only us, all of us, in this society, in this nation, or in this world. We choose whether to help, or not to help. We choose whether there ever will be any help. And if most of us choose not to help, there won't be enough people to help those in need, who will one day include us.
Are we too preoccupied with what we are doing, with achieving our goals, with what we can get or enjoy in this world to think about giving to those in need? Do we think “they will take care of it” or “they will do what is needed” and quickly suppress the thought that “they” are us?
When we in time become weak, suffer losses and grow old, it will come as a shock, if we spent our time (our lives) and energy, absolutely turning away from this undesired and feared truth.
Strength ebbs, beauty fades, power is lost, and even the enjoyment of this life slips away; death arrives. So what is this all about? How do we find satisfaction, fulfillment and peace in the face of inevitable loss and death? We may think we can just “live in the moment” and enjoy what life offers. But without giving, without serving, without loving, there is no real joy in this life.
Just as a river gives water out of itself to quench someone's thirst, we can give of our time, our energy, whatever we have or are, to help relieve the suffering of others. As a father or a mother, a friend or caregiver, we give of all we have and all we are to those we love, especially as their lives draw to a close. We may not find it as easy to give our love and service to others who are not related to us, but those who do know an exhilarating joy. For them, especially those who are helping the dying, the inevitability of death becomes a teacher. They see the finiteness of this life, and eventually accept the face of death. They no longer fear the loss of what is or was or might be. They are ready — to live, or to die.
At the end of life there is an assessment. Perhaps I could have been a better father or mother, husband or wife, brother or sister, son, daughter or friend. We may be able to honestly say we did the best we could at the time. Or we may need to say, “I am sorry.” If you really were aware that death is approaching, would you choose to live a different life? Would you choose to give more of yourself and to know that you fought the good fight? Isn't that why we are here — to do our best, to serve, to give all we can from within the giving space that is this life?
Do we allow questions to paralyze us from giving — questions about who to give to, what to give, how much to give, when to give, whether gifts will be appreciated or not, whether others will know? Although one should give wisely to those who truly are in need and who will benefit, those who live within the giving space are not preoccupied with these questions. They give unceasingly like fruit-laden trees bending low, effortlessly releasing their innumerable ripe fruits; they share their bounty with all who reach out in need.
Some say they will only give sometime in the uncertain future, when things are “better,” when they get more money. Some say that their individual help is not needed, that “others have already given,” that their gift “wouldn't make a difference.” They always find a reason not to give.
Some determine all their actions from the perspective of the “Left” or the “Right.” They do not understand that within the giving space there is no “Left” or “Right.” Within the giving space, there is startlingly lucid awareness of the world's great needs, right here, right now. There is only a great desire to fill that need, to comfort the suffering, feed the hungry, warm the cold, share with the lonely, and love the unloved.
They know they cannot “fix” the world, but they help just the same. They heal and share their love, one person at a time. And their touch is never forgotten!
This limited life, this ongoing dying, is all about giving, wherever we are, whomever we're with, whatever we're doing, out of all that we are, while we are. It also is about receiving. I do not mean “taking,” but I do mean actively receiving, accepting with love and gratitude. For the giving space is the same as the receiving space when we give and receive in the Spirit of Love.
Surrender, but Don’t Give Up
Our giving counters the despair that gives up and turns away from life, that does not see the purpose in continuing, or that thinks, “better to end it all,” like putting down an injured horse. These are often the first thoughts of the person who becomes severely disabled. But life itself is good and its purpose may be mysteriously revealed one day, if you only would give life a chance. Though so many things have changed, and it is unspeakably hard work, how many times have we who work with the disabled seen little glimmers of hope sprout and a new life begun? How many times have we who work with the dying seen the miraculous gift the dying give to the remaining in the very last moments of their life?
What are the gifts that those who are dying give? The healing of family relationships even in the very last moments. We often have seen that where there is “unfinished business,” the patient will hang on till that last work is done, till a certain family member visits, till a treasured gift is given, till the unspoken words are finally spoken.
We've seen this so many times, yet those who encourage others to give up, those who “assist” in killing the “willing,” affirm their despair, affirm their denial of the gift of life, and eagerly hasten their death, snuffing out even the possibility of the miracles so often found in the natural ending moments of a life.
The death-bringers, for that is what they are, care not at all about the giving they have destroyed. And while they stamp out every glimmer of hope — for as long as there is life there is hope — they think they are caring with real “love.” They understand little about dying, or life. They hold back from seeing the real meaning in life, preferring to flee from life into death.
They may simply be afraid to experience dying as it can be — and it's not always pretty. They may fear being humiliated. They may angrily wish to control every aspect of their life, including dying, never allowing themselves to be humbled by the overwhelming power of nature and its loving Creator.
I don't know what my end will be, but I could never write or say how much I have enjoyed this living, sharing, and this dying. This is not a dark perception. It is not a preoccupation with death. It is simply that I will not be so preoccupied with life that I exclude its limits from my vision.
Seeing those near death, seeing ourselves near death, brings us to our senses. It is a soft, unrushed space where we can feel and perceive the wonders of this world and our lives. Although there is much that appears ugly in this world, and we may think death “ugly,” from the giving space we can see a beauty that pervades this world and even touches death with light. From that space, we can surrender to the changes and losses that occur as we age and die.
You who remain when we are gone, I pray you choose to live from within the wondrous, glowing, giving space.
© Copyright 2005 Catholic Exchange
Ron Panzer is the President of the Hospice Patients Alliance
