A Reflection on the Polarization of Catholic Dating and the Hesitancy to Date
Catholic dating nowadays often looks less like adults discerning marriage and more like a middle school dance. The men are on one side of the parish hall. The women are on the other.
It would be hilarious if it were not also a little tragic.
The National Catholic Register ran an article by Gigi Duncan titled “Evaluation Before Encounter: Why Young Catholic Men and Women Are Struggling to Connect.” The title alone deserves a gold star. That is it.
We are evaluating people before we encounter them. Before a real conversation begins, the checklist comes out. Catholic dating has become less about loving someone and more about securing a religious aesthetic.
And this is where the Catholic dating camps come in.
To start, we have the Theology of the Body camp. Theology of the Body is deeply human and deeply sacramental, but some have turned it into the new gospel. Every conversation about dating becomes a symposium on nuptial meaning. My brothers and sisters in Christ, you are allowed to be attracted to someone without analyzing it.
Next, we have cultural Catholics. They are Catholic in the same way some people are Atlanta Braves fans. It is part of the rhythm of life and a family tradition. Dating can be complicated if one person sees Catholicism as a relationship with Christ and His Church, and the other sees it as a habit.
Then there are those who were homeschooled. Let me be clear: homeschooling can be beautiful. But sometimes you meet someone who never left that biome. They can discuss academics but have never been to a bar or figured out how to casually talk to someone. Innocence is beautiful, but arrested development is not a virtue.
With that, we reach the rad-trads and purity culture. There are right and just desires found at the core, but sometimes they lead to thinking holiness means ignoring modernity and forgetting that the past also had faults. The answer is not to cosplay the past, but to receive tradition without turning it into theater. There is a difference between wanting a holy family and wanting a wife who behaves like a character from an old laundry detergent commercial. There is a difference between masculine responsibility and never listening.
Now we reach the young adult group. Young adult groups can create a wonderful community. However, they can also become emotionally claustrophobic, because Catholic circles are dangerously small. This leads to paralysis. Men are afraid to make a move because they do not want to become the parish villain or be labeled “creepy.” Women are afraid to be open because they do not want to encourage the wrong guy or become the subject of speculation.
Here is the thing.
Guys, do not make your crush into a vocation crisis. Just respectfully ask her out. If she says no, you will survive. Take the no with grace. Smile. Be normal. Move on.
Ladies, I understand caution and that some men are strange or immature, but if a decent man respectfully asks you out, and you are open to it, give him a chance. One date is not a covenant.
Now, you do not owe a man romance because he dared to ask. But please, do not ruin a man’s reputation because he was awkward on one date. If he was harmless, but not a match, just say that and move on. Let him keep his dignity.
Because men and women both need mercy.
Everyone wants to be loved but is terrified of being exposed. Some men are afraid of rejection because it confirms the lie that they are not enough. Some women are afraid of being pursued because they have been objectified, used, or pressured before.
Compassion should come before evaluation. A date should not feel like a job interview for the vocation of motherhood or a performance review for masculine provision.
You cannot discern in theory forever. You cannot love an abstraction or marry an idea. At some point, you have to encounter the person. The one with quirks, wounds, desires, virtues.
That is where love begins. Not in evaluation. In remembering that everyone is wounded and everyone is trying. That is what Catholic dating needs.
Maybe also a little less panic.
Pray for your future spouse, yes. Pray for healing, absolutely. Ask God to purify your desires.
But after you pray, live. Go to the event. Talk to the person. Take the risk. Let dating be human again. Let it be romantic, awkward, fun. Let it be real.
Because at the end of the day, Catholic dating will not be saved by another discourse, influencer, or hot take. It will be healed by grace, and by normal people choosing to act like normal people.
Which, in this economy, might be the greatest miracle of all.
Photo by Artur Tumasjan on Unsplash
