I hear from thousands of over-stressed, over-carpooled women desperate for a day off. With families to feed and dog to housetrain, Day Off for Moms are at a premium. I recommend knee surgery. According to the Bus Stop Mommies Manual, you should:
1. Milk this opportunity for all it's worth. So what if your husband/grandma/coworker already had the same surgery and was on water skis the next day? You’re not them. You’re a delicate, sensitive individual in need of tender loving care and pampering.Can’t have surgery? Feign illness. Set your alarm five minutes early. Roll over; conjure up a raspy whisper, “Honey? Honey, ouch, wake up. You've got to wake up the, ugh, kids. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Oooh this is awful. And I was going to spend all day at school counting pennies, ow, what horrible timing. I hear this is going around.”2. Practice your puppy eyes, sharp inhales (signifying sudden excruciating pain), eyes rolling up in your head, stumbling, swooning when you get up to go to the bathroom and lack of appetite (“Uh, Dad, something's really wrong with Mom. She's refusing chocolate chip cookies and coffee!”)
3. Have your doctor prescribe painkillers with a long warning insert: Will cause certain and extreme drowsiness. Do not operate heavy machinery, such as SUV's and minivans while taking this medication. Stay away from soccer fields, horse barns, gymnasiums, and grocery stores. Keep away from heat and flame, such as stoves, ovens, clothes dryers, and irons while taking this medication. Do not exert yourself, such as exercise classes, climbing down stairs, climbing out of bed, folding laundry, making sandwiches or bending down to fill the dog's water bowl. Sock matching is particularly hazardous while taking this medication.
To make this medication work more effectively, take with cake and a four-hour viewing block of HGTV.
Store medicine in a dark, cool, quiet place, like your remote bedroom with the phones unplugged and curtains drawn. Only open only for delivery of food trays and fresh batteries for the remote.
If this is not immediately effective, get out of bed and proceed with the waking up the kids/letting out the dog/picking up the paper routine. Shuffle, do not walk. Clutch your stomach and lower back. Grab walls for balance. Do not apply makeup, brush teeth, or fix hair. Do not drink coffee. Reach for the pot, but clasp hand over mouth and run as if hit with sudden waves of nausea.
If you’re still being ignored, or worse, asked, “What’s for dinner?” sit in the middle of the kitchen floor, hug knees and stare at the dog's water bowl. “Kids, you'll have to buy today. Mommy can't move. Go ask daddy for extra lunch money.”
At the mention of money, daddy should become instantly concerned, usher you off to bed and unplug the phone. He'll want you rested, recovered, and in top sandwich-making form by tomorrow morning.
Karen Rinehart is a magazine humor columnist, public speaker and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies, a newspaper. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
