Is it me or do most two-year-olds sound like Forrest Gump?
It's not that mine is always asking for a box of chocolates, it's the way he asks for it. “Mommmm-MA? Can I have a BOX of choc-LETTES?”
Run, Momma, run! That's what I have to do when my youngest gets it in his head that he wants candy. He's a little sugar addict.
For most of the world (excluding some bachelors) there are five basic food groups. They are vegetables, fruits, grains, meat and/or legumes and dairy. For little sugar addicts there are also five basic food groups: hard candy, soft candy, candy on a stick, chocolate and non-chocolate.
Now, my son is a candy connoisseur. Pinky extended he picks up one piece at a time, pops it in his mouth and with pursed lips thoroughly crunches it down, savoring every last bit.
This is the same child that can swallow green beans whole lest they touch his teeth or tongue. Give him candy and he's in the best mood. But deny his pitifully cute request for some candy and you have a hyper-hopping-red-faced little terror on your hands.
“Candy-candy-candy-gimme-candy-NOW!”
For this I'd like to thank those who have dedicated their lives to plastering my child's world with sugar. (Don't tell me I just have to say “no” or turn off the television. That's work. I want to point some fingers.) From commercials advertising cereals, breakfast tarts and snacks that look and taste like candy to the actual items stocked at kid level in the grocery store (especially in the checkout line), the world is well-supplied for the pint-sized sugar addict.
Don't ask me to ask him to abstain. We all know he's going to do it anyway. Can't we just give him sugar-free candy? Asking my son to deny himself is like expecting a recovering alcoholic to stay strong while working in a bar. It makes a great situational comedy, but in real life it doesn't always work. In real life Sam takes a drink and my son turns into a holy terror because mom said “no” to a box of Sugar Bombs cereal.
Now I have to heave my son down the supermarket aisle. He's stuck to my leg because he refuses to let me walk away without a box of Sugar Bombs. People in the checkout line give me “the look” — the one that says they've been inspired to use birth control.
We finally make it to the van and I want to reward myself with some peace and quiet. So I take the candy I bribed him with in the store and pop it into his mouth.
What? You expected a different ending? Hey, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.
(Jelly Mom is written by Lisa Barker, author of Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane…Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent! and syndicated through Martin-Ola Press/Parent To Parent. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit www.jellymom.com.)
