The nurse opened the door to escort me to the exam room and quipped, "Hi! How are you today?!" I gave her my best glare but refrained from growling, "I'm at the doctor's office, aren't I? How do you think I'm doing? My head is pounding, I have the chills, I'm seeing two of you (and that's before you ticked me off), I can't swallow, and I don't remember driving here."
"I just spent 45 minutes stuck in a crowded waiting room with phlegm-hacking folks and a fuzzy but loud TV stuck on the Maury Pouvich Show. The best magazine was a 1972 National Geographic and I just learned more about the detailed misworkings of some lady's intestines than I know about my own children's. The only thing I had to look forward to was the snoring guy in the seat next to me leaving and the anticipation of what color the paper gown would be this time. Other than that, I'm peachy."
Even if I was at the doctor's office for a well check, it's not exactly my favorite way to spend my Starbucks budget. The magazine selection would still stink and I'd still have to step on the very public scale in the very public back hallway where the nurse will very publicly announce my weight as she writes it down.
But before that, the perky nurse would still hold open the door and quip, "How are you today?" What am I supposed to say?
"Oh my gosh, um, Bitsy, I couldn't be happier! I lost sleep last night in anticipation of the fun I'd have today in this very office. Why, it's not every day I'm given my very own cup with my name written on it, that no one else can use. I have children you know, so I have very few personalized items at home that are mine and mine alone. Very rarely does anyone residing in my house inquire as to my well being, let alone how often I go to the bathroom, get headaches, or eat polyunsaturated fats.
"Plus, at home, I am constantly doing laundry. I mean, every hour of every day (except when I'm here with my monogrammed cup). If only I had these nice paper gowns and blankets at home-I could throw away all those bulky linens and save so much laundry time and effort. And this shade of blue is such a flattering color for my skintone; you always make me feel so special here. Really, the only thing that could make this visit any more fun is if I'm due not only for my flu shot but a tetanus booster too!
So, Bitsy, how are you today?"
