Why do I make predictions so far into the future? It isn’t because I watched the “Profit from Being a Prophet” infomercial and have completed my 14 monthly payments of $19.95. It’s because my predictions will prove to be totally incorrect. Twenty-five years from now, I will either be retired or supplementing my social security income working at McDonalds. If I am retired, what will I care if my predictions were wrong? If I’m working at McDonalds and you track me down, I predict that I will ask you a very important question: “Would you like fries with that?”
Here’s what you’ll be reading in the Big Dipper edition of USA Today and other major news publications in 2025.
Mergers in the News
U-Haul, Blockbuster Video, Head Skis, Charles Schwab Corp. and Brown Shoe Company have merged to form U Block Head Charlie Brown, Inc. Financial analysts say that while senior management of the new enterprise seem like nice guys, they aren’t expected to ever kiss the little red-haired girl or win a baseball game.
In other merger news, Indiana Energy has purchased controlling interests in Goddard Industries, Wheaton River Minerals and Rust-Oleum Corporation. The four companies will form a new venture called In God Wheat Rust. The group originally was created as a limited partnership until the board of directors realized that God's power was unlimited.
Not again…
Floridians were shocked when former president George W. Bush and former vice president Al Gore decided to become roommates at the Miami-Dade Retirement Villa. Sparks have already begun to fly as both have decided to run for the presidency of the facility's Bridge Club.
“I think Bridge players should be able to replay a card if it wasn’t the card they really intended to play,” Gore said. “Every Bridge player has the right to call do-overs. Besides, I invented this game. I can change the rules.”
“I beat him at Bingo and I beat him at Shuffleboard,” Bush rebutted. “He’s afraid I’ll beat him at Bridge, too. No matter what game we play he takes all day counting and recounting the score.”
U.S. President Britney Spears was unavailable for comment.
Disney Releases 100,002 Dalmatians
When Pongo and Perdita fall into their master's Clone-a-matic, Cruella DeVille gets more than she bargained for. More than 10,000 extras were hired to man pooper scoopers during filming.
Ironically, a clone of Glenn Close was chosen to play the role of Cruella DeVille. The original Glenn Close played the role in the first Dalmatians’ movie in which only 101 dogs starred.
“The Glenn Close clone is as bad an actress as the original Glenn Close,” complained the director of 100,002 Dalmatians. “You would have thought that Clones-R-Us would have substituted a better acting gene.”
e3mil Purchases Major Networks
e3mil.com has purchased NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox Television. e3Mil, which was founded in 2000, became an overnight success when humor columnist, Tim Bete, began writing for them.
An e3mil spokesperson said that several immediate programming changes will be made. Who Wants to Be a Trillionaire, starring 150 year-old Regis Philbin, will be repackage as Who Wants to Fast, Pray and Serve the Poor.
In an effort to reach audiences in more time zones, The Tonight Show will be replaced by The Today Show, which will now be called Good Morning America, except on the West coast where it will be called the Late, Late Show. Early Today will be moved back four hours, replacing Nightline. ABC World News Now will be shown at its regularly scheduled time, which is not now. CBS Up to the Minute will still be up to the minute unless you are on the East coast, in which case the news will be two hours old.
And, if these predictions don’t come true, remember to speak clearly into the speaker at the McDonalds drive through. I want to get your order correct.
