Uncovering the Motive and Presenting the Truth
We aren't going to change the minds of the activists. Our goal is to convince those who are sympathetic to the activists' demands by showing them that redefining marriage will cause real harm to families and children and that it will not solve the problems of persons with SSA.
One way we can do this is by uncovering the motivations of those demanding the redefinition of marriage. They are deeply wounded people who are trying to change society because they are afraid to deal with their own problems. In most cases SSA in an adult can be traced to feeling “different” from one's same-sex parent and peers in early childhood. As children they felt rejected, but hid their anger. They are still angry — particularly at father figures — and they want the acceptance they feel they were denied, but they want it on their terms. They don't want to forgive. They are projecting their own rage on us.
Persons with SSA are far more likely to suffer from psychological disorders, substance abuse, and sexual addiction than the general population. Their friends are not blind to their problems. Recognition of the vulnerability of persons with SSA may be one of the reasons why so many are sympathetic to the demand for the redefinition of marriage. We need to redirect that sympathy toward prevention and treatment. The redefinition of marriage will not solve the underlying problems of persons with SSA, but will lock them into unhealthy attitudes and deny children who are at risk for SSA the help they need. The media has consistently hidden the truth about SSA. The majority of people, including many opposed to the redefinition of marriage, believe at least some of the lies about SSA, and this influences the debate. We need to continually present the truth about SSA:
1) There is no gay gene.
2) SSA is a psychological developmental disorder originating in early childhood experiences. The most common early symptom is feeling “different” from the same-sex parent and peers.
3) Children with Gender Identity Disorder (GID) are at high risk for SSA in later childhood and adolescence.
4) SSA is not something a person chooses.
5) SSA is preventable and treatable.
6) Children who “feel different” or whose need for acceptance has not been met are more likely to be victims of childhood sexual abuse.
7) SSA, particularly in men, is often accompanied by sexual addiction.
8) Persons with SSA are more likely than others to suffer from other psychological disorders, substance abuse, and suicidal ideation. Our defense of marriage must be accompanied by sincere efforts to see that prevention and treatment are available. This is the real answer to the demand for the redefinition of marriage.
They Deserve Better Than a More Comfortable Bondage
Those who claim that compassion requires elimination of “discrimination” are not offering freedom but a more comfortable bondage. We must acknowledge the ways in which society has failed to respond to the problem of GID and SSA. In the early 1960s the psychiatric community had uncovered many of the factors leading to SSA and developed treatment protocols. There was a call to make this information available to parents, teachers, pediatricians, and pastors so that children with GID would receive the help they needed and SSA would be avoided. Not enough was done. The boys who were not treated in the 1960s were among the first wave of those cut down by the AIDS epidemic of the 1980s.
If you come upon a man chained to a tree — hungry, naked, thirsty — do you get him food, clothing, and water, or do you get a hack saw and cut him free? We must be the ones with the hack saw.
Often the harshest criticism of this approach comes from those on our side of the issue: “Why,” some ask, “can't persons with SSA just repent? Why should we feel sorry for them? It was their choice.” We need to understand and to help others understand why is it so difficult for persons with SSA to resist the temptation to act on their attractions.
In her booklet Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, Elizabeth Moberly explains that everyone is born with a need for love and acceptance from the parent of the same sex. Same-sex attraction “is essentially a state of incomplete development. It is the incompletion that is contrary to God's intention here… sexual expression is not appropriate to pre-adult relationships… the same-sex love-urge is itself the attempt to make good deficits in sexual identity.”
Why It Is So Difficult
The answer is not to suppress the healthy need for same-sex love, but to fulfill that need non-sexually. Why is this so difficult? Because the child who doesn't experience parental love and acceptance is likely to be angry but afraid to express his anger openly. Unexpressed anger turns to resentment and bitterness. This leads to envy of the traits in others of the same sex that the child doesn't think he possesses. This opens the door to self-pity and then to self-comforting behaviors and finally to pride. Resentment, envy, self-pity, self-comforting behaviors and pride are habits which, if left uncorrected in a child, are difficult to overcome in an adult. And this is doubly hard for the person with a negative relationship with his father because it is the father who is the model for discipline required to develop virtue. All this is further complicated by the fact that men with same-sex attraction often had mothers who overprotected their sons and may have unconsciously encouraged resentment, self-pity and pride.
If a person with SSA was also a victim of childhood sexual abuse and suffers from sexual addiction, then recovery is further complicated. Gay activists may respond to the categorization of SSA as a psychological disorder by pointing out that homosexuality is no longer considered a disorder by the mental health professional organizations. Unfortunately, homosexuality was removed as a diagnosis in response to political pressure, not because there was evidence that it was not a disorder.
One reason why some people do not recognize SSA as a psychological disorder is because they have a distorted idea of what constitutes a psychological disorder. A person can function in society, hold a job, and have a social life, and still lack the freedom associated with psychological health in other areas of his life. For example, a person suffering from compulsive hoarding is unable to dispose of excess possessions. Material objects accumulate to the point were areas of the home are unusable, yet this same person may perform well at work. Friends who do not visit her home may have no idea there is a problem. Compulsive hoarding is extremely difficult to treat. Compulsive hoarders insist that they don't need help and resist attempts by other to eliminate the excess.
SSA is psychological developmental disorder. Because the need for same-sex acceptance and affirmation were not properly met during early childhood, the person is stuck at that developmental point, but continues to mature in other areas. The need is so intense during adolescence it is interpreted as sexual desire. Autobiographies of persons with SSA reveal the essentially non-sexual nature of the need and how it became sexualized, often through sexual abuse.
Freedom from same-sex behavior is not easy. The legitimate needs must be met non-sexually, traumas healed, and negative habits overcome and this must be accompanied by recovery from any addictions. The short pamphlet Homosexuality: Laying the Axe to the Roots by Ed Hurst (Outpost, 1980) explains how recovery from SSA requires dealing with rejection, rebellion, fear, self-pity, envy, and bitterness.
Given their history it is understandable that persons with SSA would think that redefining marriage will bring them the acceptance they were denied. But understanding their history, we must explain why it won't work.
Mrs. Dale O'Leary is an internationally known speaker and freelance writer, editor of Heartbeat News, author of The Gender Agenda: Redefining Equality and The Art of Raphael Coloring Book. Her conversion story appears in Spiritual Journeys. She is currently working on a book on forgiveness.
