“After a talk with Zach, Julia decided not to shoot him.”
Well. There’s one way of jump-starting my dreaded Monday morning must-function-in-society-routine: reading the Soap Opera updates.
This past week on All My Dysfunctional, Illegitimate Children: “Zach told Julia he would help her after learning she ran out on the Witness Protection Program.”
Boy, Zach better know a good plastic surgeon, attorney, and be stinking rich.
Meanwhile, on As the Stomach Turns, “Paul learned from Nurse Bentley that Jennifer’s baby and Gwen’s baby were born at the same time and that the attending nurse left town after receiving a lot of money (from Craig). Paul didn’t tell Jennifer he suspects Craig switched the babies (he did) because he thinks she is better off without Craig in her life. When Jennifer heard the baby cry, she believed the baby was hers (it is).”
First of all, who makes up these character names? I mean really, “Nurse Bentley”? Are Nurse Needles and Doctor Kildaire hiding in the linen closet? And what about those sophisticated electronic bracelets for new mommies and babies? Where do you think that head nurse ran off to, and if it’s someplace warm and tropical, can I join her? And does Craig have any money for me? School’s getting ready to start — I’d leave town without switching babies if someone would just pay my way.
Somewhere in the town that houses a hospital named “General” — only because someone named Jeff Gordon didn’t donate a million dollars — “Jason was locked in a wine cellar.” And their point? Was Jason unhappy about this? Silly Jason.
The Bold Nick and Beautiful Brooke are “worried about Hope,” (who is both Bold and Beautiful) “who had been in a coma since nearly drowning in a spa.” Well how unfair is that? Poor Bold-and-Beautiful Hope probably got the last kid into full-day kindergarten and after years of sacrificing her physical and mental well-being finally decided do something nice for herself via a little day at the spa. Now who will pack the school lunches?
It must have been some kind of Day in Our Lives when “Phillip failed to make Mimi see Belle didn’t cause Mimi to lose Phillip, who had heard Belle talking about Mimi.”
Obviously without the help of their Guiding Light, “Someone attacked Mallet as he and Harley were about to open the crypt (supposedly) containing Phillip’s body.” Okay, were they supposedly about to open the crypt or did the crypt supposedly contain Phillip’s body? I’m so confused! And again — “Mallet” and “Harley”? I’m thinking hammers and motorcycles here…
Furthermore, you deserve what you get when you go messing around crypts, so there.
The Young and Restless “Bobby said good-bye to the” Young and Restless “Nikki before he went into the Witness Protection Program.” Wow, I wonder if he knows Julia? And can Julia be young and restless even though she’s one of all those children?
Stay tuned…
Karen Rinehart is a syndicated newspaper columnist, public speaker, and creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. Her book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life, is a popular read in book clubs, school pick up lines, and soccer fields. She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan, and England. You can read more at BusStopMommies.com. Karen lives in North Carolina with her two kids, two dogs, and one husband, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dogs at home.)
