I spent the last four days on the couch. Not the Shrink’s — mine. The Shrink’s couch costs more and lacks dog hair and snot stains. It’s easy to tell the difference.
I was couch-ridden with my annual case of the flu. Despite what my bumper sticker says and my kids think, I’m not Super Woman. Hence, my annual flu episode is the only way I’ll sit still longer than it takes to watch an episode of Desperate Housewives, not counting jumping up during commercials to swap loads of laundry, start tomorrow’s school lunches, let out the dogs, yell at the kids to turn off their lights and go to sleep already, then let in the dogs.
When I wasn’t busy begging someone to remove the freight train from my upper body, I thought about my fellow Bus Stop Mommies and how differently we’re allowed to be sick in our own homes. There are no Sick Days For Mom written into the Mommy Contract signed at birth. If you leave the morning bus stop to work in a bank or school, you have sick days written into your contract. Once you kick off your pumps and crawl into bed at home, you are Mom. Office contracts don’t count.
Are there adequate Sick Days For Mom at your house? Take the quiz and find out.
You’re lying on the couch, shivering from chills, weakly grasping for the blanket just beyond your reach. Your children:
A. Notice, rush to your side, tuck you in and whisper, “Need anything else Mom?”
B. Notice, slouch to your side, dump blanket on you and slouch away.
C. Argue over whose turn it is on the computer.
You’re in bed with the covers over your head when the phone rings. It’s for you. Your family:
A. Answers the phone and politely takes a message.
B. Answers the phone and shoves the cordless under the blankets.
C. Allows the phone they typically break their necks to answer ring endlessly.
Your husband arrives home from work precisely the first moment you’ve been able to stand up all day. He:
A. Coos, “Oh Honey, you shouldn’t be out of bed! I’ll tuck you in and bring you some juice.”
B. Glances up from the mail, “Hey. Feeling better?”
C. Exclaims, “Great! You’re up! What’s for dinner?”
You finally get a shower and put on clean clothes, but you’re still woozy and weak. You hear:
A. “You’re looking better. But don’t overdue it! Here’s the remote control. I’m taking the kids out for pizza.”
B. “You smell good now, Mom.”
C. “Great! Now you can drive the kids to soccer. I’m meeting Bob for a beer.”
If you scored mostly A’s: Congratulations! You get real Sick Days from well-trained family members.
Mostly B’s: Could be worse. Family needs more Sensitivity Training.
Mostly C’s: Family needs to attend Sick Days For Mom Boot Camp. If you get sick in the meantime, check into a luxury hotel’s concierge floor. Don’t tell your family which one.
Karen Rinehart is a newspaper humor columnist, public speaker, and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
