Being married can be like climbing a mountain. Some days the climb is exhilarating and the views breathtaking. Other days, it's all you can do to hang on and keep from falling into the abyss. Either way, in order to make it to the top, you've got to keep your eyes fixed on the next peak and keep climbing.
Wouldn't it be nice if there was a map illustrating the common obstacles couples encounter while scaling the mountain? What follows is a guided tour of the eight major stages all couples experience on their ascent up “Marriage Mountain.” They're taken from my book, For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage. (OSV. $12.95. 800-348-2440 to order.) Check your gear one last time, and let's start climbing!
Being married can be like climbing a mountain. Some days the climb is exhilarating and the views breathtaking. Other days, it's all you can do to hang on and keep from falling into the abyss. Either way, in order to make it to the top, you've got to keep your eyes fixed on the next peak and keep climbing.
Wouldn't it be nice if there was a map illustrating the common obstacles couples encounter while scaling the mountain? What follows is a guided tour of the eight major stages all couples experience on their ascent up “Marriage Mountain.” They're taken from my book, For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage. (OSV. $12.95. 800-348-2440 to order.) Check your gear one last time, and let's start climbing!
Stage One: The Honeymoon
As you begin your climb you have all the energy in the world. It's a good thing too, because the work begins with the first foot you set on Marriage Mountain.
There are two major goals of the Honeymoon stage. First, the couple must foster intimacy and fidelity by giving the marriage priority over family, friends, work and other commitments. “The hardest thing for me,” says Joseph about the first year of his marriage to Sherry, “was giving Sherry pride-of-place in my life. I had a hard time not making her compete for attention with my work and friends, and, of course, my mother.”
Everybody believes fidelity means “not sleeping around.” But the promise to “forsake all others” actually includes all those relationships that seek to overwhelm the privileged place marriage holds because of its sacramental nature.
Just as important is the second goal of the Honeymoon stage: reconciling the realities of marriage with romantic ideals. “I had a very romanticized vision of what marriage was going to be like,” says Marion. “Al and I had to come to the point where we didn't expect each other to be 'on' all the time. We make sure we do special things for each other, but mostly we've learned to find love in the little acts of everday service.”
Stage Two: Conflict Negotiation
The key to successful mountain climbing is packing light. Unfortunately, you will likely become aware of some baggage you didn't know about….
Hot on the heels of honeymoon-dom is the “I didn't know that about you” stage. Here, couples can engage in passionate arguments about almost anything. “I was stunned at his stupidity,” says Elizabeth of her husband Mike. “I thought everybody ran their life the way I did, but he had some very different ideas. I had to learn that his ways weren't stupid, they were just different. We both had to change to come up with a unique set of rules that would work for our relationship.”
Working patiently and lovingly through this stage helps a couple establish guidelines for everything from running the house to maintaining the romance. Likewise, it builds a foundation of trust and safety for future problem-solving.
Stage Three: The New Pattern Stage
You've reached the first plateau feeling relieved, but somewhat drained from the effort. Looking up at the next part of the climb, you decide to camp here and rest up a bit.
Couples don't usually make it to this stage until somewhere between the third and fifth year of marriage, after a whole lot more conflict and negotiation than they would have liked. In The New Pattern Stage, the wise couple takes some time to catch their breath and allow the rules they worked out to become second nature. As Harry and Deborah put it, “There were a lot of things we wanted to take on. We were eager to start a family and I wanted to open my own business. But we decided to take just a couple months to make sure our marriage was in order before attacking any new challenges.”
Couples must work to avoid two temptations of this stage. The first is to rush right through it since “nothing exciting is happening right now.” This is the marital equivalent of starting to build a house while the foundation is still settling.
The second temptation is toward complacency — staying put and never taking on new adventures because you have found a comfortable spot in which to rest. Neither option is particularly healthy, and either could have long range consequences for the relationship.
Stage Four: The Creative Stage
On this section of Marriage Mountain, the path narrows and becomes considerably steeper. You are going to have to tie a line to your partner in order to not lose each other.
One of the most interesting phases in a marriage, The Creative Stage can also be one of the most challenging. As the couple begins building a family and finding their places in the world-at-large, there is an increased risk of the couple growing apart. Jack, married to Pat for eleven years, had this to say about the Creative Stage: “I thought things were going really well. My CPA firm was starting to take off and we just had our second child. One day, I came home and Pat said that she wasn't sure she loved me anymore. I'd never been so scared in my whole life. We started counseling and discovered that in our pursuit of family and social success, we forgot to take care of our marriage. Fortunately, we caught it before it was too late.”
One popular counselor says that in order to maintain rapport, husbands and wives need about 15 cumulative hours a week of one-on-one time to function at their best and not lose each other. How close do you come to this in your marriage?
Discussion Forum
Which of the above techniques have you used to salvage or strengthen your marriage?
To contact Mr. Popcak about marriage and family issues you may call (740) 266-6461 or visit his website at http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com)
Stage Five: The Homecoming Stage
You and your partner slipped a couple of times on the last part of the climb, but you can chuckle about it now in the relative safety of your camp. You've noticed, however, that your pack's getting a little heavy. Before you turn in, you'll want to go through it to get rid of some of those “souvenirs” you picked up along the way. Somehow, you find that they're not as important as you thought they were.
In The Homecoming Stage, you continue to maintain all the projects you started in the last phase, but now you have less to prove. Eric, a real estate broker, found himself pulling out of less important activities at work to focus on his homelife. “I used to make it my business to be into everything at work. But I've come to realize that while some things at the office can run just fine without me, my family can't. I'm making more of an effort to reconnect with my wife and kids.”
It is essential to reconnect with your mate at this time, because the next stage brings with it the second most difficult challenge of married life after the Creative Phase.
Stages Six and Seven: The Launching Phase and the Second Honeymoon Stage
You are scaling a perpendicular wall of rock. The footholds are as wide as your bootlaces. This is either the biggest thrill of your life or the dumbest thing you've ever done. Better keep climbing to find out which.
This is the stage where the kids are leaving home. Depending upon how attentive you've been to your marriage along the way, this will either lead to one of the best times in your marriage, where you and your mate take on new challenges you couldn't pursue while your kids were still home, or it will turn into a living nightmare where you and your mate stare at each other across an empty room and say, “Now what?”
“It took some getting used to,” says Larry about the last of his four children leaving home. “Rebecca and I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about marriage A.K. (“after kids.”) We had to reinvent our relationship. A Retrouvaille Weekend our pastor told us about helped us regain our focus. I wish we had been more attentive to each other along the way, but with some serious effort on both of our parts, we made it through. In many ways, things are better now than they ever have been.”
Not every couple is as lucky as Larry and Rebecca, but by refusing to panic and instead redefining the purpose of your relationship, any couple can rediscover the gift that God intended their mate to be.
Stage Eight: Happily Ever After…?
You've reached the summit. As you look around, you realize what you've been working for all along. You take your partner in your arms. “We made it.”
Assuming you've successfully negotiated all the earlier stages, you now arrive at the place in your life where you are exhibiting what Erik Erikson called “ego integrity,” i.e., wisdom, and inner-peace. You realize that you have become the person you are because of your mate, and you are grateful to her and to God in ways you never imagined possible.
There are still challenges to face; most notably the fear and hopelessness that can accompany the declining years. But those couples who have been faithfully attending to God and to each other all along realize that they are approaching the fulfillment of their shared life's purpose. By bathing each other in earthly love all their lives, they have been preparing each other for the day when they can meet their Divine Lover who will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”
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