Because the strict and loving homes my husband and I came from were environments where our parents were very much in control, the concept of a "problem child" seemed like an oxymoron. We were all obedient children, loving children. No one would have called us a "problem child." We would never have thought twice about talking back, or seriously disobeying our parents. If we did, we were sure something very bad would have happened. We're not sure what would have happened, just like Dr. Ray says about his own childhood, we were not ready to find out.
I was Greek Orthodox. I married a wonderful Catholic man of Polish decent. Early in our marriage, we discovered that we could not have children, so we adopted three beautiful young girls from Poland who were full of life. But I was not prepared for what was to come.
Our daughters came from a different environment, a broken family, which was not loving, and not strict. So bad was their home that the girls were made wards of the state of Poland until someone like us came along and adopted them. But before we came into their lives, and because of the indifferent treatment they had received at the hands of adults, the oldest girl began to take control, naturally watching over her two younger siblings. Because of the dramatically different kind of upbringing that my husband and I had, where effective discipline merely had to be a stern look from one of our parents, we were not prepared to take stronger action with our new charges who were determined to be in control of their own lives. What made it worse was that they spoke no English, we little Polish, and we thrust them into the middle of a very permissive culture — America.
Battling Culture
We were determined, however, to make a new life for them; we wanted to change the joyless life of their past and give them love and happiness. So, we were afraid to make them unhappy through strict discipline, which they really needed. We succumbed to the American culture of materialism, instant gratification, and rewards without a whole lot of work. In the end, our girls controlled us. We let them have the run of the computer and media, clothes, and other "good things." When we tried to lay down the law, we felt guilty because we would hear (from them) that other parents thought we were too strict. Things went from bad to worse. Today I can see that we have a long, difficult road ahead. But I have hope, and here's one reason: Dr. Ray Guarendi.
Dr. Ray's Been Around
Dr. Ray is a man, who with his wife, Randi, just didn't adopt three children, but ten — and almost all from broken, difficult homes, and from several different ethnic backgrounds. Talk about "problem children!" He has definitely been around the block a few times… make that ten times. I have met Dr. Ray and his sons Peter and James, young gentleman who at times travel with their father. A friend has been in Dr. Ray and Randi's home, has participated in recreational activities with their kids, and have even gone out to eat with their family… in a public restaurant! Talk about courage! From my personal observation and their reports, I'm encouraged and have hope.
Although I am now a single parent, (my wonderful husband died suddenly a short while ago), I have hope that God will give me the strength and wisdom to not only trust him, but follow through with my discipline, and take the great advice with which Dr. Ray has been so generous.
Raising Kids Right
I have hope because I am beginning to apply the suggestions that Dr. Ray suggests in his books, DVD, and now his 12-part radio series, Raising Kids Right. What a breath of fresh air this audio series is! What am I learning? Here are just a few gems.
Episode 1: Giving Parenting Back to Parents. Parents need to have more confidence in their God given job as parents, and not let their authority be eroded by the so called experts — psycho men and women like Dr. Ray. I'm a loving mom, and I'm in charge, not the many pop-shrinks that are out there.
Episode 2: Myths of Parenthood. What I do today counts far more than what I did or didn't do 5 years ago with my daughters were younger. Live in the present and don't be paranoid about the past.
Episode 3: What is Normal? Disobedience and stubbornness is "normal," but not necessarily right. Regardless of what my children do or don't do, I need to focus on what is morally right.
Episode 4: Raising Moral Children. Being a good parent, in today's world, means going against the crowd. Which in my case limiting, severely, the amount of time my girls spend in front of the TV, computer, or mirror — unless it has something directly to do with homework or moral education.
Episodes 5, 6 & 7: Making Discipline Work. Be consistent and strong. Words alone are not discipline. Back up your discipline with reasonable, consistent, physical consequences. Children can choose many things against our will, but they have no choice over the consequences. Consequences are what I decide.
Episode 8: Specific Discipline Problems. I'm doing something right, I guess. There are no TVs in the girls' rooms, and the computer, too, is in a public place where their activity can be easily monitored. Dr. Ray didn't mention iPods, but I think he'd approve that until I'm shown the consistent, on-going respect I require, the iPod stays busted.
Episode 9: Spanking. My girls are all too old to spank now, but had I listened to this episode earlier some difficult situations today may have been avoided. We have to be careful not to let anger control or motivate spanking. Done in a loving environment, and used sparingly, spanking sounds like a good alternative for younger children.
Episode 10: Adoption. Adopted kids are OUR kids. And they, like us, are all adopted by God.
Episodes 11 & 12: Back to the Family. Results of a nation wide survey about the "Best Families." What do the best parents in America do and don't do to raise exception children? The best families have God in the center of their lives.
Thank You, Dr. Ray
Dr. Ray has taught me that I'm a better parent than I thought I was. And he's done that without any psychobabble. With God's help I am beginning to believe that I can raise my three beautiful daughters to be exceptional and responsible adults. But, in all honesty, check back with me in 10 years, I'll tell you how it went. There's a long road ahead, filled with good opportunities, and lots of love.
Dr. Ray's Raising Kids Right CD Series (12 programs on 6 Audio CDs) is available from Nineveh's Crossing.
