It is human nature to hold onto cherished memories. As a friend once pointed out to me, often we keep those memories close to our hearts through little “mementos” that remind us of past events. A vacation photo, for example, will be framed and placed on the mantle, calling to mind for us the wonderful time spent at the ocean with family. Every time we dust that frame, a warmth fills our hearts as we recall the fond remembrance of that precious occasion. But some of the “mementos” we hold onto are not so pleasant, are they?
Maybe we have some photos that remind us of an awful time in our lives. They bring us right back to the resentment and anxiety we felt in the past. Why is that? We thought we had forgiven the offense long ago! The thing is, forgiveness is not always a one-time event. It is usually more of a process, one whose resolution needs to be renewed time and again.
This process begins with the desire to forgive—which is enough for the Lord. Our goodwill, and not our feelings, is the measure God uses to determine whether we have made the effort to forgive our neighbor. But desire is only a start. In order for our forgiveness to be complete, we must “forget.”
Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; see, I am doing something new! (Is. 43:18)
To forget, in the spiritual sense, does not mean to erase memories that we are not capable of erasing; it means to let go of the mementos that we have been holding onto for a “rainy day.” “Proof” that we were unjustly wounded, that we were on the side of right and the offender on the side of wrong, lest it should escape our memory. A friend once told me when I was having trouble forgiving someone: “Forgiveness is not about rehashing the past. It’s about: where do we go from here?”
Forgetting what lies behind but straining forward to what lies ahead . . . (Phil. 3:13)
We measure our forgiveness by our desire; but how do we make ourselves “let go” in order for our forgiveness to be complete? So often when we think of times in the past when we truly let go of unforgiveness, it seems that it just . . . happened. It’s not that we don’t remember that the hurtful event took place, but now we are fuzzy on the details, we could not retell the story clearly because we are not even sure anymore who started what; in fact, the only thing that stands out in our minds is all the ways in which we ourselves contributed to the problem! This is the sign to us that the Holy Spirit is working in us and through us to make us “forget” the past. When God directs us to forget, what He really means is: “Stop pointing at your neighbor’s speck and work on your own log first!” So if we want to forget the past, if we want to truly let go of old resentments, we must start by asking the Holy Spirit just one question: “What have I done to contribute to their wound?”
Yikes. Who wants to hear the answer to that question? I know I don’t! And yet if it will give me sweet relief from the oppressive grip that unforgiveness has on me . . . then I do. It is going to be a painful, awful place to go, but also a place of sweet serenity because we will be there with Jesus. He does ask us to look at our misery—and it is awful. But He does not ask us to look there without looking at Him too. And those eyes of love and compassion offer us the most overwhelming tenderness that we could possibly experience. No consolation could be greater than the consolation of His mercy.
In the desert I make a way . . . for I put water in the desert and rivers in the wasteland for my chosen people to drink . . . (Is. 43:19-20)
The reason it is so hard for us to let go is that we must go into the desert first. A “wasteland” in which we view the thorny filth of our sinfulness. And that desert experience does not generally last for just a moment either; it may last forty minutes, forty days, or even forty years. But that’s okay, because even though it is hard, it is painful, and it is arid, Jesus will always give us the water of consolation we need along the way to see us through—if we give up pointing fingers at others and give Him our trust. It is our perseverance that will yield a harvest.
Author’s Note: Excerpt from The Safe Haven: Scriptural Reflections for the Heart and Home (Season of Lent). To purchase, visit Amazon or The Catholic Company, where all other volumes currently in print are also available.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
