In my billfold, I have more receipts than money. But in my house, receipts can be more valuable. Today, if my search yields the right receipts, it's worth $150 in vision insurance reimbursement. My billfold has never and will never see the likes of that in actual green stuff.
My husband uses Microsoft Money on our computer to track income, expenditures, bill schedules, short and long term budgeting. We're also trying to figure out where all the money is going so quickly these days, hence, the receipts. And not that I'd ever forget to record the amount of a check in the ledger, heh heh. (Did you see that episode of Life With Bonnie?)
Fortunately, my husband is not as detailed in his data entry as he used to be. In the past, I was required to turn in a receipt for every single teensy weenie purchase.
Do you know how awkward it is to ask a soda vending machine for a receipt? And how about the times I caved in and got the kids a gumball out of the machine at the barbershop? Where do you get a receipt for that? “Kids, go pick a piece of paper out of that trash can, blow off the hair and write down, '3 cents, bubblegum.' Give it to daddy when we get home.”
All expenditures were broken into categories — food, drugstore, entertainment, school expenses, medical, lawn and garden, dog, utility bills, travel, etc. I'd write across the top of the receipt which category it fell into. This got tricky. Is a candy bar “groceries”? If I bought it at the drugstore did that make it a toiletry? If it's for PMS, is it a medical expense? I finally entered it under entertainment.
I don't know why he bothered to include an entertainment category for us; the kids were the only ones having fun.
I don't know why he made a “Karen” category either. It was depressing. Not only was there zero contributed from me under “Income,” I made the most expenditures. I started to look very irresponsible and greedy until it dawned on me. This is my job. My husband makes money; I spend it. I do all the errand running, medical appointments and shopping for the household and the family, so who else's name would be on all those receipts — the dog's?
Speaking of the dog, twice a year when he enters the vet bill into the computer, my husband sits Hank down and gives him The Talk. “Do you know how lucky you are? Do you know how much you cost me? Next time you decide to run away you just keep running because I'm not taking you back. Next time you feel like peeing on the new carpet, just remember who rescued you and show your gratitude. Another day at that pound and it would have been lights out for you ol' boy. Now go play and for Pete's sake stay healthy.”
Karen Rinehart is a magazine humor columnist, public speaker and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies, a newspaper. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the states and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
Karen's book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True to Life, is now available at a discount for preordering.
