So much for the use of beepers to protect your privacy. You only get one after the staff greets you cordially at the (public) reception desk, "Hi! I'm Betsy. Welcome to Conglomerate Medical Center. How can I help you today?" I leaned in and whispered, "I have a 4 o'clock. Dr. Kunesh just faxed over the paperwork."
"And your name?"
"karenrinehart"
"KAREN RINEHART????"
"uh, yes."
"That's R-I-N-E-H-A-R-T?"
"yessssss"
"AND WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR TODAY MS. RINEHART?"
"mutter mutter in muted tones"
"AN ABDOMINAL SCAN??? HAVE YOU EVER HAD ONE BEFORE? NO? Okay take this paper across the hall to registration and come back here when you're finished there, MS. RINEHART. OH! And take this beeper. When it buzzes and flashes go to The-Door-To-The-Right where the nurse will assist you." The room had four doors. I hope I was sitting in the right place so the right door was to the right.
I reluctantly donned my reading glasses, tilted the beeper up towards the fluorescent lights and read the 4 point, white italic font: "Welcome to Conglomerate Medical Center where we value your privacy. For that reason, we've provided you with this pager. When it flashes and buzzes, go to The-Door-To-The-Right where a nurse will assist you. This pager will not work on other paging systems. If you do not have your appointment, do not take this pager home with you."
I looked at the two bespectacled, elderly ladies across from me, held up the pager and asked, "Can you read this thing?" They squinted, tilted it towards the lighting, squinted some more and said, "No. What is it?"
"MS. RINEHART?" At the reception desk a cute, young thing was holding up a styrofoam cup, complete with hermetically sealed straw. "You got gin in that?"
"Sure, AND it's an open bar! We'll bring you another when you're finished with this one."
I threw away the straw wrapper with the Starbucks cup some inconsiderate soul with bad taste in lipstick left on my end table. The patient next to the trashcan spoke, "I got to drink mine at home."
"Really? Was it as incredibly delicious as this?"
"Oh yes. What flavor did you get?"
"Maalox. You?"
"Banana"
"What IS that?" Asked Bespectacled Lady, who, by the way, was in for a leg scan to determine if she had a blood clot. The entire waiting room knew why Mrs. Bespectacled was there after Reception Desk Guy asked her to repeat herself. Loudly. I kept staring at her over my straw to make sure she didn't throw a clot and stroke right there in front of us. Not a cool way to end a Monday afternoon or my Maalox Happy Hour.
Across the room, a beeper screamed, The-Door-To-The-Right opened, out walked a nurse with another styrofoam cup. "MR. GRABOWSKI? I got the Banana flavor you requested!"
Good thing we had those beepers for privacy.
