My three-year-old son has taken to running out the front door and blindly down the middle of the street. Needless to say, this is making me a nervous wreck.
Well, I needed to give my attention to the visiting nurse that is helping me care for my youngest daughter. I can't have the little fireball slipping out every five minutes, so I sent him to his room.
The next thing I know, the neighbor is ringing my doorbell and she's got my son in tow. He'd stripped himself down to his diaper and then escaped out the bedroom window and was found running around the street naked.
I'm too old for this.
Oh, but it doesn't end there. If you thought that antic was hair-raising, wait until you read on. My toddler is out to have me committed and he just might push me over the edge.
I put a Wiggles CD in the stereo. This makes my young ones happy as all get out. They laugh, they clap; the three-year-old hops up and down shouting the words because he can't yet carry a tune.
How long did I look away? Three minutes? I look back and there he is with the curtain wrapped around his head like a super-twisted turban. One more turn and he might have sucked his brain out.
Naturally, I bark at him and he tries to run away. You can't do that when you're scalp is attached to the draperies. After a few wild counter turns, he managed to escape without popping off his head.
I thought staying at home would mean more of those lovey-dovey moments I'd surely miss if I worked outside the home. Word from the wise: Don't quit your day job.
The guilt you may suffer is wasted on a figment of some child expert's imagination. What do they call it? Oh, yeah, quality time. That would be the time you hope to spend creating endearing memories of childhood. Well, I spend most of my time saving my childrens' necks or threatening to break them myself.
Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE being at home with the kids. But moms need to get real about what staying home means. This isn't Romper Room. This is Survivor with American Gladiators matches thrown in for fun.
If you're planning to stay at home with the kids, first get a personal trainer. I know this may be difficult to do between the time you deliver and bring the child home, but maybe if you run alongside the car as your husband drives, you'll build up some stamina before you get home and that baby starts screaming at you.
(Lisa Barker is a syndicated humor columnist and mom of five. Her latest book is Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane… Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent! See www.jellymom.com for more information.)
