For example, I once overheard a playground conversation between two moms about toilet training. I can't recall exactly what was said, but the gist of it was that the first mom's child had just recently completed a fairly long, regimented potty training program and this mother was telling the second mom — whose diapered toddler was apparently “potty-impaired” — that she better get with the program. The implication was that children who toilet train early are better equipped intellectually, emotionally, and relationally speaking to grow up and take on the world. Master the potty today; get a Masters at Yale tomorrow.
James and The Giant Potty
Well, as much as we parents should feel proud when our children achieve certain developmental milestones, when it comes to potty-training at least, there isn't much a parent can do but wait for Mother Nature to bless the child with better control of his sphincter muscle (i.e. the muscle that keeps “it” in). The fact is, achievement of bowel continence represents a milestone in a child's physical development, not much else.
Conventional Freudian wisdom used to suggest that timing was critical. That is, toilet train a child too early and you stunt the child's creativity. Potty train the child too late, and you are teaching the child poor self-discipline. “Experts” would then engage in legalistic arguments about the time frames that defined “too early” and “too late.” Current medical and child development wisdom, however, suggests that “too early” and “too late” are really defined by your child's physical maturity.
Warning Signs
Regardless of when a toddler develops good bowel control, parents can be said to be potty training correctly if they are sensitive to their child's unique ability level, and they are taking care to neither thwart their child's spontaneous efforts to use the toilet nor push their child to train faster than his or her apparent physical capability.
Likewise, children are not usually considered to be having a problem training their bowels unless they are still struggling past the age of four (if your child is older than four and struggling, contact your pediatrician). And children can reasonably be expected to experience nighttime bed-wetting as late as six or seven, though the occurrence should definitely taper off as the child is maturing (again, if you have concerns, contact your pediatrician).
For the most part, emotional problems should not be suspected in cases of incontinence (either of bowels or urine) unless the child has been consistently continent for a long period of time and then, out of the blue, begins experiencing ongoing and persistent problems with soiling or wetting. However, even in cases when stress or emotional trauma is suspected, a parent's first course of action should be to take the child to his pediatrician in order to rule out medical concerns before consulting a child or family counselor.
Potty Talk
There really doesn't have to be a lot to toilet training. The first thing you need to do is be patient, and keep reminding yourself that your child will go to the bathroom … eventually. Many children will teach themselves to use the potty. Some need a little extra encouragement. Many parents report that he best time to toilet train is the summer.
Simply take off the child's diaper so that he or she can feel the wetness beginning to come. This will be their cue to use the restroom. Be encouraging. Regularly have the child sit on the potty to “try.” Be forgiving of accidents. The most common problem with toilet training presently is that new diapers are so absorbant, children don't feel the wetness and so they have little motivation (i.e. the discomfort of a wet, or saggy diaper) to train themselves. Removing the diaper helps the child be more attuned to the signals that accompany the need to use the toilet.
Of course, the most important “technique” you can use to help your child develop good bowel and bladder control is a patient, loving attitude coupled with a sensitivity to his physical development. Beyond this, if you would like additional resources to help you through the potty-training blues, there are many books and videos on good toilet training strategies.
Pediatrician Dr. Bill Sears offers suggestions in his many parenting books (The Baby Book, especially). Besides this, Toilet Training Without Tears, by Dr. Charles Schaefer, is also worth examining and the “Once Upon a Potty” videos are cute and effective resources for parents and children. Check out your local library or bookstore for other resources. Or, as with all other medical concerns, consult your pediatrician for additional guidance.
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Mr. Popcak, a marriage and family counselor in private practice, is the author of The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the World's Happiest Couples and For Better…Forever! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage. He is also the director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization providing telephone counseling and referrals to Catholic individuals, couples and families. He can be reached at (740) 266-6461 or www.exceptionalmarriages.com
