I tried to cheer myself up with the thought that this couldn’t last forever. I projected my life forward thinking “Ok, I’ll make friends, meet some boys, we’ll really like each other, get married (my spirits began to rise) and then I’ll be stuck at home alone doing diapers and cleaning bathrooms while my husband is at work.” That pretty much settled it. My life was doomed to misery. The blackness had won. There was no hope.
Compulsively, not knowing where else to turn, I walked to the nearest Catholic Church, which happened to be just down the street. I entered the hushed Cathedral and slipped into the last pew. I gazed mournfully at the Tabernacle asking God for mercy. The congregation began to sing a soulful melody and the floodgates were opened. I began to sob. The tears wrenched my body, my soul. The people began filing up to communion. The longing in my soul for some sort of connection wracked my body and I fell upon the floor in a convulsive fit of agony. The loud music drowned out the horrific sobbing.
And so there I was on the floor and the people started to return from communion. Being distracted by their piety they were not looking on the floor. And so they began to trip and stumble over me. Startled by this assault, I stopped crying and ducked under the pew. Now I was trapped; a wall of legs and feet in front of me and in back of me. Crouched there with my face in a cobweb, what was I to do?
Somewhere under that pew, a change began in my heart. I could see myself in God’s mind. I could feel His Love from the Tabernacle. His Love gave me just enough courage to look at myself. To look at myself stuck under a pew in the middle of Mass, surrounded by people. I smiled. And the Holy Spirit burst through that small break in the darkness. And then I laughed! “What was I doing here?”
Just then, the music stopped. My chortle echoed off the silent stones. The people heard me and looked down. To their surprise there was a full-grown woman hiding under the pew! My face was smeared with filth and I was looking back at them with a grin. Their shock was tremendous! I continued to chuckle and managed to back out, rear first, while they made room for me. I smiled at them again and walked out of the Church and down the road.
The light of the sun seemed to be dancing amongst the leaves. “How lovely” I mused. I recalled the French bread and cheese I had at home. After a nice bath I could eat like the French. Tomorrow I would go to a museum and then to a Catholic Group and meet some people. Perhaps I would find some friends. And maybe there would be some great guy there…and we would fall in love…and have darling little babies…
And suddenly it occurred to me that absolutely nothing had changed since my walk to Mass. And yet here I was with a smile on my face and a jaunt to my step. “How odd,” I reflected, “that an hour ago I felt like there was no hope and now I am looking forward to life.”
All that had changed was my attitude. With a little help from the Holy Trinity.
© Copyright 2002 Catholic Exchange
Christy Wall is a homeschooling mother of six who enjoys surfing with her family on warm Sunday afternoons. She earned a B.A. at Thomas Aquinas College and later a Paralegal degree so she could help her husband with his law career.
