There it is — on page 872 of Webster’s. “Olympic Commentators”: \o-lim-pik – \ka- mun- ta- ters\ n.
1: Invisible voices who ruin otherwise palatable viewing of world’s finest athletes.
To qualify for the coveted job and accompanying perks (free world travel, accommodations, chow, official Olympic doo dads and a nifty navy blue blazer) a candidate must meet one or preferably, all of the following criteria:
A. Feel the need to criticize everything from an athlete’s athletic ability to fashion statements and hair gel usage.
B. Are likely in therapy dealing with their “quiet time” issue, since they don’t know when to zip it and just let us watch.
C. Ability to yell for days on end so viewers can hear them across the ocean. Must overlook fact they’re wearing a modern, high filtered, high powered microphone.
D. Members of the male species who think they have the right to comment on the United States’ Women’s Downhill Ski Team fashions. Must be able to ad lib with witty lines like, “I knew Preppy was back, but pearls?” Must be blissfully unaware Pearls are not “Preppy”; rather, they are Classic.
E. Must be telepathic. This is useful during the opening ceremonies, when viewers can be treated to free psychic readings: “With the approach of the Israeli team, you will all undoubtedly be remembering the tragic Olympics of 1979 and the recent movie based on that tragic, tragic time.”
Later, when an athlete gazes out over the ice or snow in anticipation of their performance, the Commentator can enlighten viewers on the hidden thoughts of the athletes: “She’s now meditating on what she needs to do here” or “He’s reviewing the course in his mind.” And let’s not forget, “I know her dead grandfather is with her now and she will think of only him as she takes her place at the line.”
How does he know? She could be thinking, “Oh crud, did I turn off my curling iron before I left the village?”
If June Cleaver can wear pearls in the kitchen, adorable and talented American Resi Stiegler can and should wear them on the women’s slalom. In Sisterly Support, I will start wearing my pearls with my yoga outfit and gardening attire.
I might even ask Gold Medalist Julia Mancuso if I can borrow her tiara. If I had half the athleticism, beauty and graciousness Julia has, I’d wear a tiara to the bus stop and grocery store. (But first I’d have to steal one from my friend Lynn.) Every little girl has a moment in life when she pictures herself in a tiara. This is something the male-specied Olympic Commentators will never comprehend; hence, from this day forward, I declare them forever barred from the world of female fashion comments.
But in case they don’t listen to me, there’s always the Mute button.
Karen Rinehart is a syndicated newspaper columnist, public speaker, and creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. Her book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life, is a popular read in book clubs, school pick up lines, and soccer fields. She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan, and England. You can read more at BusStopMommies.com. Karen lives in North Carolina with her two kids, two dogs, and one husband, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dogs at home.)
