She called solely to ask when her new puppy would stop peeing and pooping all over the freshly-shampooed carpets. "Karen, please remind me what a good thing it is to have a dog…how happy my children are, how cute she is, how she lowers blood pressure and makes us live longer."
"Uh, Mel, first, your adorable puppy is not going to stop peeing on your carpet before you're ready to return her to the pound, divorce your husband or sell your (‘We promise we'll take care of her!') children to the nearest band of gypsies."
"We don't have gypsies in Waxhaw."
"Then donate them to the pound along with the puppy. Throw your husband into the mix to sweeten the deal."
My best friend since college, Melanie and I can say things like this to each other. We're Old Friends.
We've been shopping together for 25 years so we're getting pretty good at it. "Karen. We're over 30 now. You can't buy that bikini."
"NO! I said no, Mel! That is way too dorky and besides you already have three sweaters just like it at home that you still haven't gotten rid of."
"Karen, that coat would look great with your light blue turtleneck under it."
"I own a light blue turtleneck?"
"Yes. You wore it to my house last month."
"Really? Cool. By the way, didn't you want to look at new jeans today? Those make your butt look big."
Old friends won't hesitate to leave their children with you when they've been exposed to chicken pox, have the stomach flu or are in potty training remission. Old friends will remember all those stupid things you did over the past three decades — things for which you want to put a brown paper bag over your head — and still trust you with their kids. Old friends acknowledge and applaud the ever growing and changing adult you are and guide you in the process…sometimes with a much needed swift kick in the rear when their subtle approach doesn't sink in. I have the size 7½ Naturalizer sole marks to prove it.
With old friends you don't have to waste precious juicy story time explaining pertinent background information…. "Okay, see, first you need to know Grandma Smith stopped talking to my dad because he married my mom but that was before Uncle Biff bought the Chevy from the loan shark…."
Melanie emailed me last week, "I will pay you a million dollars to sit at Dave & Busters with me Saturday afternoon for Tyler's birthday party." She knows my recipe for a quality nervous break down include places like Chuckie Cheese and Dave & Busters. She knows my Valium prescription has run out. She knows Saturday is going to be sunny and my garden is choking. But she asked. And I'll go. Because she is my Old Friend.
