More Useless Email Advice

It's a new season; which means a letter in my Inbox from a major cosmetics/household product company, eager to guide me down the road of my obviously clueless domestic life. (My comments are in parenthesis.)

"Dear Bus Stop Mommy: Summer's a great excuse to pack the car and head out on a getaway with the family. Even if you can't venture far, check out these great weekend or daylong outdoor activities.

"Head to the beach! Pack your sunscreen (and the chairs, towels, snacks, cooler, drinks, games, toys, umbrella, battery operated fans, wagon, shovels, boogie boards, surf boards, books, binoculars, bug repellant, radio, bag for shells, camera and cell phone) and take a trip to the shore for some family fun! No beaches? How about a lake or even the neighborhood pool? As long as there's water and sun, you and your kids will no doubt relax and enjoy." (The kids might, but the parents will be too stressed from breaking up fights, yelling "Stop Running!" and making sure no one cracks their head open in the No Diving zone.)

"Ride bikes together! Riding bikes isn't just for kids, you know. Get out on the nearest bike path as a team. Make it a friendly competition (isn't that contradictory?) But practice safe bicycling: always wear a helmet and knee and elbow pads — same goes for the kids." (Knee and Elbow pads? Look, I already have a hard enough time getting my kids to be seen with me in public.)

"Play in your backyard. Toss the football or set up a volleyball net. Not into sports? Plan an obstacle course! You pick the games — hula-hooping or three-legged race are two fun obstacle games." (We already have a built in obstacle course: Avoid the doggie piles!)

"Go for thrills at an amusement park! Even if you or your kids don't like roller coasters, there are other rides and games fun for every age." (Oh sure, like Dodge the Thunderstorm, Go Broke at the Ticket Gate, Lose a Kid and Wait 45 Mintues for the 45 Second Dumbo Flight.)

"Have a picnic. Set up a picnic near your home or neighborhood park for a nice twist on summertime lunch. Pack a basket with sandwiches, snacks, and a jug of fresh lemonade." (Then, after spending two hours preparing the picnic, 5 minutes eating and 20 minutes of whining, "Can we leave now?" you can spend another hour alone, cleaning up the ant-infested, sticky mess.)

"After a day of outdoor summer excitement, be sure to get your family clean and germ-free with liquid antibacterial hand gel!" (These people have never had teenagers. Otherwise they'd know it takes a 47 minute, steaming hot shower, 3 bars of deodorant soap, two razors, a gallon of premium salon shampoo and two towels pulled from the pile behind their bedroom door to clean any kid in my family.)

I love summer.

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