Mommisms

Mommisms are things your mother said a million times until one day they popped out of your mouth while you were ranting at your kids. For example:

&#8226 If you fall and break your neck, I’ll kill you!

&#8226 This is the worst looking pigsty I have ever seen…

&#8226 If you think (fill in the blank), you’ve got another thing coming!

Sometimes mommisms are simply flippant replies to your children’s endless shenanigans, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that your kids have heard them a million times. This is one way parents can get even with their children — torturing them by repetition. Best of all, they don’t always have to make sense.

I know when a mommism is coming out of my mouth. I see my kids roll their eyes and mouth the words as I say them.

&#8226 You must think I took stupid pills this morning.

&#8226 I'm not having you go door-to-door selling stuff for the school. I have a tight budget, too, and you don't see me having you sell door-to-door, do you?

&#8226 I thought I'd buy you clothes instead of McDonalds. You'll look better wearing pants to school instead of a cheeseburger.

&#8226 DON'T you tell me what YOU are going to do! I'm the parent and I say what you're going to do… and I'll tell you what that is as soon as I figure it out!

&#8226 Why do you kids bother asking me a question and then don't bother to listen to the answer?

&#8226 You're miserable? Good. I'm doing a great job then.

&#8226 This is NOT Burger King; you're not getting it your way, right away.

&#8226 Well, excuse me for trying to have a conversation with your father — please don't let that stop you from interrupting us.

&#8226 And if your friends told you to stick your underwear on your head and prance around in the street, would you?

&#8226 What's that you say? You want something? Do I hear, “You are the most superior and all powerful mother and I am but a poor toast crumb”?

&#8226 Boo-dee-beep! We're sorry, the mommy you have been whining to has been temporarily disconnected. Please try your complaint again later.

&#8226 You walk out this door you better keep on walking, mister. Don't you dare walk out that door!

&#8226 This is not a democracy. I am the Queen Mother.

&#8226 Here, I made your favorite dish — shutupandeatit.

&#8226 From now on no one in this house will look at or touch another person!

&#8226 Where’s my stash of chocolate?

&#8226 Where’s your father?!

Motherhood isn’t glamorous and mommisms prove that. But sometimes a mommism can make for some great comic relief in hindsight. Got a favorite mommism or quip? Send me a line.

(Jelly Mom is written by Lisa Barker, author of Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane…Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent! and syndicated through Martin-Ola Press/Parent To Parent. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit www.jellymom.com.)