I couldn’t stop myself. It was horrible. There we were, my 11-year-old daughter and I, in the infamous Ft. Myers swimming pool of my parents’ “Active Adult Community.” The same pool in which my mother exercises and from where she casts her Maternal Revenge across the miles.
Since it was Day Two of vacation, my daughter, by law, (see page 77 of the Eleven-Year-Old-Girl Manual) was bored and wanted me to keep her company in the water. I wanted nothing more than to plop on the nearest chaise lounge and pretend I was not a responsible adult. After she pooh-poohed my idea of joining the residents for a round of bingo or bocce ball, I felt a mystical force snap my head around, pry my mouth open and say, “Now I know I’m going to sound like Grandma, but I can’t help it. I have to say this. See that woman’s granddaughter over there? She appears to be your age; why don’t you play with her?” Feeling my job was done, I dripped my way to the chaise guilt-free. Before I drifted off to sleep, I heard my own mother’s voice, “Hey Melanie, see that woman’s granddaughter over there? She appears to be your age…”
I hear my mother’s voice a lot. Except it’s coming out of my mouth. Yes, I’ve come down with another case of Maternal Revenge Phenomenon. This time it’s Maternal Phrases. See if you recognize any:
• Well I don’t want to cook your dinner or do laundry or scrub toilets or do a lot of things around here, but I don’t have a choice; now get off your duff and do what I asked.
• Sound it out.
• Look it up.
• Life isn’t fair.
• When I was your age…
• Because I said so.
• Don’t touch each other.
• If all your friends were jumping off bridges would you do that too?
• If I had a nickel for every time I had to tell you to put your shoes away/ get your dirty socks off the coffee table/ fill in the blank/…I’d be rich.
• You just wait…
• Someday you’ll understand.
• Someday you’ll thank me.
• We’ll see.
• I said, “We’ll see.” Don’t ask me again or the answer will be “No”!
• Do I look like I was born yesterday?
• It’s a miracle I survived all these years without you telling me what to do.
• I hope your children treat you the same way you treat me.
• Your future wife will thank me for training you to pick up your dirty underwear and put it in the hamper.
• Now I know why my mother drank.
• Oh gawd, I’ve become my mother!
How has Maternal Revenge Phenomenon manifested itself in your life? Write Karen, at karen@karenrinehart.net, and tell her all about it. She’ll feature the winning stories in her Mother’s Day column and send the plagued moms Bus Stop Mommies Gear as a reward! One lucky winner will receive a copy of Karen’s new book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. Stories must be in Karen’s inbox by midnight, April 29th, 2004.
Karen Rinehart is a magazine humor columnist, public speaker and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies, a newspaper. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
