“What?”
“Nothing.”
“WHAT IS IT?? The shoes? My hair? Make Up? Toothpaste? Panty lines?”
“Well, that shirt is a cut little low. Want to borrow one of my camis to wear under it? I mean, you are over forty, Mom. Do you think women your age should wear a shirt that low?”
“Mel, it’s a Crewneck and just how do you think I’ve managed to dress myself for the last forty plus years without you telling me what to do?”
And that’s when I heard it. The laughter coming from the Over 55 Active Lifestyle Community in Ft. Myers, Florida. Once again, my mother was exacting revenge on me from four states away.
“Actually, mom, according to Style Magazine, it’s a scoopneck and, well, it reveals your sun spots.”
“Hey, I earned these sun spots chasing you and your brother up and down the beaches of Florida your entire childhood while praying you didn’t get eaten by gargantuan jelly fish or carried away in the riptide!” I yelled over my shoulder as I stomped back to my bathroom to find my prescription fade cream.
Which she insisted I get the first (and now last) time I ever took her to the dermatologist. “Hey, Doctor, while I’ve got my mom here, can you look at her age spots and see if you can do something about them? They’re kind of embarrassing. And don’t you think she needs to start wearing higher necklines?”
Of course, when I go out shopping for said necklines (the derm agreed with her), she’ll have to accompany me to approve what I try on, let alone buy.
“Oh, and Mom, did I mention prairie skirts are out?”
“You mean the long black crinklie one we got for you that’s hanging in my closet or the long white one we got for me that’s hanging in your closet? And even the brown crinklie one currently in the dog’s bed? When did they go out?”
“Like, yesterday!”
“But they cover my varicose veins!”
“Out, mom. They’re out.”
“More out than your brother’s plaid shirts?”
The other day, I caught her sneaking down the stairs with two overstuffed trash bags. She took advantage of her brother being gone to clean out his closet. When busted, she whined, “But, mom, I’m going to be walking the halls of his high school next year. Everyone will know he’s my big brother and my reputation is at stake!”
So now she supervises purchases for him as well. Yes, she wants to take away one of my final, available mommy duties for my teenage son. The boy can now drive his own car, do his own laundry, cook his own omelets, and do all his school work without my help anymore. All I have left is boxer shorts and shirt shopping and now she wants to have all the fun with that too.
Fine. She can have it.
Everything except the boxers.
Karen Rinehart is a syndicated newspaper columnist, public speaker, and creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. Her book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life, is a popular read in book clubs, school pick up lines, and soccer fields. She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan, and England. You can read more at BusStopMommies.com. Karen lives in North Carolina with her two kids, two dogs, and one husband, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dogs at home.)
